Masonic ritual abuse and government sleep rooms

I was subject to Masonic ritual abuse and than used in government experiments.., I was placed in electro shock treatment and in a sleep room to remove memory without my choice.
Than did 13 years in children's aid society and placed in over 40 homes and 50 city's
I just recently found out after 24 years of it.
I'm 25
I finally fixed the thoughts and urges in my body.
But now want to kill myself for everyday I remember things I didn't that are horrific
And even started feeling things physically that happened
My fiancé and me found a website about it all and courts and CBC NEWS coverage of victims
The court was hours away from wear I live
There's 50+ pages about people involved
It's so scary I could only read half of page 1
She read the rest
She says I'm not ready to know the rest of page 1
I haven't read it
Should I kill myself before knowing the true horrific story
I can sometimes feel my limbs
Like when I was dislocated and "re-built" by those robed men
Still don't know why I was rebuilt but the pain hurts so much I cry alone in the bathroom
Even her father now recently knows
I'm getting scared for it was told if I said Something I would be eliminated (that's was when I was 17 by so e random guy I meet who said he was part of the government higher than F.B.I) wouldn't tell me more than that only spoke those words and made me watch videos ......
I want nothing more than to know to kill myself or not to...
I'm not out to expose people or w.e it is or was.....
....I just recently changed my life from crime to my first job held down with a finance pregnant with my child and her own beautiful child of three I call my own and love like it's my own but this is my thoughts..


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How is it fair to say not to remove yourself because of others induced pain from a choice to save yourself the misery of existence. They say it's selfish for people love and care. When dose sympathy and empathy create obligation. If at birth there's no obligation than why is it selfish to end that life, is it not selfish for people to assume the grass will get green for others and proceed to show them emotions that I may not even know how to give back for I've never known them. That makes my misery even stronger knowing I can't give them there forced obligation of emotions.is that not giving me no choice if I play by there rules. Forced life is no life at all. There selfish for thinking of them selfs and trying to down play my pain so they will feel better...
So am I not once again getting used and drained for others in this world so THEY CAN LIVE A BETTER LIFE.
WHENS MY MOMENT.
WHENS MY CHANCE OF A BETTER LIFE AND Ye§ DEATH TO MENIS LIFE FOR MY STEP DAUGHTER WILL BE MY LIFE AFTER DEATH
WHY!?
Cuz I saved her the pain of my presence and her mother by giving them there chance and moment to live that better life with people who can give them what they deserve because I can't ...while alive...but through death I give them LIFE...
that's my MOMENT.
THE MOMENT I DIE IS THE MOMENT I LIVE FOR THE FIRST TIME
AT FISRT I CRIED AND CRIED ABOUT THIS MOMENT
THAN A CALM PEACE CAME OVER ME AND I ACTUALLY SMILED AND NOT WITH MY FACE BUT MY SOUL...WHY...MY MOMENT OF DEATH IS WHEN THE LOVE BEGINS
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Asked Mar 18, 2014

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