Im 14 and I think I'm depressed. Help!


Okay so I'm a 14 year old girl and I think I might have a problem. I've felt like this for a very long time. I cant even really describe it, its like feeling pressured or clouded or overwhelmed. Just feeling full of nothing. Like I am a balloon full of air that appears happy and jolly, but is really just empty and filled with nothingness if that makes any sense. Usually I fantasize about living in a perfect world, where i'm perfect, and everyone loves me etc. , to escape reality and get away from it all. Ive done this since I was a little girl. Just sitting there for hours fantasizing about a perfect life I can never have. Ive wasted so much time, not studied for so many test, not went to so many social events because im in my own little perfect world. Sometimes I don't even think Im depressed, I think im just crazy. When I'm not fantasizing, Im sleeping. My parents frequently talk about how lazy they think I am. Usually i'm not even sleep, just in the bed, in a half sleep half fantasy stage.

I have cut but not badly and only once. I did it because I am in a dance class at school and we had to do a duet. There is an even number of girls, but I had to do a solo because no one wanted to be my partner and when it was time to share, people laughed. Then my teacher said we where going to have a performance. The thought of being made fun of again, but by even more people just broke me and that's when I did it. That was a couple of months ago and I haven't done anything since. But please don't think I'm suicidal because I'm really not. I have thought about it, but not like plotting to kill myself or thinking of killing myself just thinking of the concept of suicide and the idea of people killing themselves. I would never ever do that because that would hurt my parents. I love my mom, and I know she loves me but she is so opinionated. About 6 months ago, I was reading and saw the word "masochist" in the text
Me: What's masochist
Mom: People who like pain
Me: Like cutters?
Mom: Yeah. Its stupid.
I could never tell her. She thinks its stupid and it is...she is also a gossiper. if I were to really have a mental problem the whole town would know. I have come into her room to find her on the phone laughing with her friends about something I did or saying negative things like ' She is just so unorganized, that's one of the things I don't like about her. she has stuff everywhere in the house.' it really hurts. I know what she says is true and I know I am way too sensitive but it still hurts. Also I know Im chubby, she calls me " her fat little cow" I call her fat back. she goes "im old. it doesn't look good on a 14year old" ive tried dieting ive skipped meals ive exercised like a fool and nothing works......

Talking with my dad about my feelings would be awkward. We don't talk about things like that. We laugh and joke and argue and that's it. And please don't give me the "school counselor" bull crap. When you go to the school counselor everyone knows. And the lady hurt my feeling by telling me that my answer was incorrect.....I know im too sensitive...

I get made fun of also. Kids make fun of me and call me oreo and coconut because they say I act too white and talk to white to be a black kid. I act how I act because its how I was raised. I just don't fit in. I do have friends but that's because of my fake personality. I act all confident and funny and weird. It makes me some friends and creeps some people out.....This is going to sound really weird but I only act like that around people that I "know" will be my friend like people who are nice and stuff. But when I see a person, typically popular, I become all shy and I don't say anything.

Also, I love performing. I don't even understand this about myself, but its true. I like doing theatre and school plays and acting and being seen, but saying something that's not in a script is terrifying. How can a person who loves being seen be so shy up close? And sometimes its like i'm not there in the world. like Im living my life, going through the motions, but like i'm not the in the flesh?

I know my parents already suspect something, maybe. A few months ago I lost my binder and burst into tears for no good reason in the front office looking for it. I over reacted and started during an awful choking, gasping, sobbing, sound in front of a bunch of teachers over lost homework. They sent me to a calm down room and called my mom. Looking back, I realize how stupid this was, but at the time I couldn't control my emotions. Many times have I burst into tears for know reason. Am I depressed or just crazy?

I really just don't know what to do. I am sick of feeling like this. I want help but getting it would be too hard so I have to do it on my own. I'm sick of crying at night, im sick of wasting my life in fantasy land, im sick of being fat, im sick of not being able to take even the slightest of criticism and I am sooo sick of trying to make friends and failing.... Please help me.
Amaryllis
Asked Mar 04, 2014
You're probably in that middle school emo phase.
For 8/10 people that stops after a while. But for me it hasn't. I'm 14 too and all of this started at the end of 6th grade.
Everyone goes through something like this.
And don't worry, I've gone through things you have. We can be friends how about that? :) though I have to say I'm quiet when I first meet you but we can end up being close :3
sujulover15
Answered Mar 04, 2014

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