Anyone have any jokes?

I need a laugh and a good one...
What's your best joke?
Funniest story?
Asked May 13, 2013
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

Answered May 15, 2013
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
The last one!
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?" Okay done for sure
hahahaha best laughing fit! thanks
so here you Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
Answered May 14, 2013
It's 3:00 A.M. and the rain is pouring down outside. There's a loud knock on the front door. The husband gets out of bed and goes down to the door and finds a guy who is very drunk standing on the stoop.

"Can you give me a push?" asks the drunk. The husband slams the door and goes back upstairs. The wife asks, "Who was that?" He replies, "Some stupid drunk wanting a push."

The wife says, "Honey, do you remember when we got stuck that time on vacation and that nice man gave us a push?"

"Oh, OK" he replies, "I'll try to help him" he says and goes back downstairs.

He goes outside and is instantly soaked head to toe. He doesn't see anybody in the blinding rain. He yells out loudly, "Where are you?"

A faint voice is heard from the school playground next door, "Over here...on the swing."
Answered May 15, 2013
Edited May 15, 2013

Answered Aug 01, 2013

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