I am not able to understand myself

hello everyone ,
I will not label myself at the start as I seriously don't know my problem...I hope someone can really help me....
I have always been quite different from others and not able to mix up with people easily . I am not able to understand social behaviour , and I am usually laughed upon ....I had very few or no friends. People trouble me easily and I always feel the fear of being laughed upon at all times ....that is why I avoid social contact as much as I can .I am quite frankly jealous of the people who have social lives and are considered cool or smart or whatever. This daunts me from the very start of my existence and now I am literally sick of it . I have come to hate myself and my life. I am not able to undestand why I am like this and what is wrong with me and what wrong have I done . I have no real fun in life and I do not feel myself worthy of it even ..I even do not understand when are people are really making fun of me or they are just joking. I wonder always why I have been made like that and what can I do to come out of it .
I had this feeling of being a loser from the start and always believed future would be different...yes it was different...for the worse...I always had new people to laugh on me ...in whole school and now in college....This constant depression is eating upon me....I am steeply degrading and getting down..my studies ..which had been my only good point is also getting down.. I am not able to study even and have lost interest in it..life seems to be a big grind.Any of my talents are being eaten upon. Plus I have a career to make , my life (or my real challenges ) have just started and I never feel courageous enough to face them . All of my dreams about my life up till now have shattered . Still I look to make my present pleasurable and content,full of joy and fun but my problems never leave me...Now I am seriously tired and lost any hope for happy future . Still I have to focus on my studies and things to accomplish. I fear how will I meet my upcoming problems when even normal life is trouble ....please help me

depression is a mental disorder, I would recomend talking to a Councillor to help and get diagnosed properly,but never give up on yourself,it could be caused by a number of things and with the right help and support you will hopefully feel better

only one solution is you have to use courage and confidence and its not compulsory to be a social or interactive person.
There are so many people are no so much social then they are happy, dont take it what other say or fun on you. every person are different and proud to be on it.
Be your self then you can do anything you want..... thats true

There is always a Silver Linings. You just have to have hope and faith and you'll find it. I am in the process of finding myself and I've discovered that if you pray on it, and even if you don't know how to have faith in anything, just try, because I've been seeing results. I will recommend the book the perks of being a Wallflower. And please talk to someone, get a phsychiatrist- I think I spelled that wrong- or start doing something that you love. You have this depressiion and it needs to go away. You are the controller of your own fate, I stopped believing in predestination, because we make our own path. If you think this has helped please i'll give you some songs that've really helped me and if you just need someone to talk to please just talk to me. My email is [email protected], just don't give up, keep fighting

It seems like you have AvPD. I often feel this way as well. I have for nearly my whole life. I hate social contact, but I long for it so much. It's been this way since I could remember. Having no friends at school in Kindergarten - how sad is that? Sick of life. Like I'm merely surviving. Just going through the motions. I can never cry when I want to most. I have to force myself to feel cliche emotions. Laughed upon. I always feel as if I'm under public scrutiny. I feel like I'm not worth it. I've been feeling better in the last three months or so, though. I would suggest... Listening to music; these are a few of the songs that help me. Just listen to music while you do normal stuff. Most of them are random, but they all give me an odd sense of life:

All of IAMEVE's songs are great specifically "To Feel Alive", "Throw Me A Line", and "Temptress". They have an eclectic, whimsical vibe that runs up your spine and makes you shiver.

Britt Nicole's "When She Cries" is one of my favorites. "Gold" is also uplifting.

Bridget Mendler's 'Blonde' for some unknown reason. I don't even have blonde hair...

"Heaven and Earth" It's just music and rain.

"Need You Now" by Plumb is great. Ever since I was four I have loved that song. It's the only song by them that I actually like.

"Send in the Clowns" sung by Susan Boyle is hauntingly beautiful as well as "Memory" which leaves you with a longing, wistful hope and nostalgia.

A lot of Evanescence's songs are good. Too many to write/type...

"I Won't Say I'm in Love" sung by Megara on Disney's Hercules. It's hilarious and inspiring and somehow makes me feel alive.

"Cruella De Vil" is one of my favorites, too.

Also watching movies helps. Sometimes it's good to distract yourself. Even with children's flicks. Actually kids movies are the best ones to watch. For me anyways. Like going back to imagined simpler days. "The Adventures of TinTin" is really cute. I watched it with my younger sister on Netflix yesterday. "Mulan", "Hercules", "Pocahontas", "Pinocchio" and all those cute Disney movies are great.

Also stop cursing. If you don't curse then don't start. Its significantly negative quality brings you down. I didn't curse much, but now I don't at all. Say "Oh, sugar!" or "Dream it!" if you have to as a girl in my old class would. Replace negative words with positive words. It has the added affect of being quite funny.

Laugh as much as possible. Laughter, after all, is the best medicine.

Write. Even if you are horrible at it. Even if it rambles on and on. Just attempt to write a short story or a one hundred word drabble. Or choose two emotions and write a page about a person experiencing them. Decide the scenario. Maybe it's hurt and anger or happiness and nostalgia. Maybe it's listlessness and wist. You decide. Just start writing.

Read. Especially classics. All of Lucy Maud Montgomery's books are wonderful. Particularly "The Blue Castle" and her Anne series. Mark Twain's works are good, too.

Get obsessed with something. Whatever it is make it your passion. I started collecting cat statues recently. I name them all. I have Russian Nesting Cats and a handpainted wooden cat from Mexico. A porcelain one from China and another, Josefina, from Mexico. And more. Most were gifts. Just get obsessed with something. I don't care what it is. Paintings, a band, music, mirrors, almonds, anything! Color in a coloring book. Just do it.

Bring color into your room or the place you are most often. Fill it with colors of all types. Particularly deep and vibrant colors. Also some lighter colors. Make paintings to put on the walls.

Go outside. Go to a museum. It helps. Also eat animal crackers. It just helps...

Allow yourself to feel negative emotions, but don't let them rule your life. Occasionally listen to very depressing songs or watch a movie that will make you cry. Vent. Rant on and on in a journal it could even be in a word document on your computer. For me I need to send my thoughts somewhere definite so I will write it and then the next day go throw them in a garbage can and pretend I am throwing my negative feelings away.

Just a few tips. God bless you and know that someone always cares.

Autism is a condition that makes it different for people to be social. Folks have the illness to varying degrees and a slightly autistic person could have symptoms similar to yours. I know this answer is coming too late,but did you ever consult with a doctor about your problems? I hope you are doing well now. Take care.

you need life coaching treatment