Caught Dad Cheating?

I was vacuuming in my dads home office today and his computer was on and open to a website called perb.ca (an escort review fourm). I quickly turned away and tried to block it from my memory, at first thinking it was just porn. Anyways hours later I began to wonder why my dad was on a escort site for porn and became concerned that my dad was cheating on my mom, so I started snooping around. After cruising around the website I came across some posts that appeared to be written by my dad, they contained lots of the same sayings my dad has, mirrored his work (as in they talked about cities my dad worked in and often travels to), yet the poster kept reiterating that he was single without kids and often wondered what it was like to have kids. I'm so confused as what to do. My parents just celebrated their 25 year anniversary, things at home were staring to look good, we were all happy, but I don't think I can carry on with this. I really wish I hadn't investigated this out, but I did. I'm just scared and don't know who to turn to or what to do, do I let my dad continue, do I message this poster, do I tell my mom? Please help.
spacedude9
Asked Dec 30, 2011

If you know you not ready for a relationship why get into one and still cheat and liar. I was dying inside for my cheating wife, I had no prove, no one to run to. Everyone thought I was paranoid. until I was referred to a Private Investigator  Mr James . I told him about my situation and He understood me well and helped me spy on my wifes phone.He hacked my wifes Gmail and Facebook account and linked all my her WhatsApp and phone conversation to me, to find out the truth.I saw all the evidence and I was heart Broken,I just want to openly say thank you to Mr James for helping me get evidence against her,i feel so hurt. If you need help please contact him Mr James ([email protected]) via Email. 

Good for you for going to a counselor. That's presumably a neutral space where you can talk to a trained professional about navigating the emotional complexity of all of this... and you'd be talking directly with someone who can help you deal with the fallout, either way. There's no doubt that your father's apparent risky behavior not only can/will/has negatively affected your mother; it's hurt you too. I think you have a right to some clarity and piece of mind.

I can't imagine how tough this must be for you.

Like I said before, I'd be more than pissed if one of my kids knew this and didn't tell me. But... these aren't my parents and I don't have to experience the consequences, so it's easy for me have strong opinions about not rationalizing your father's behavior... condoms don't protect from all STDs... testing is great but he'll know AFTER he's infected and possibly infected your mom... respect your marriage vows or end the marriage... there's no "good" cheating or "clean" hooker... no one knows your dad's side of the story... maybe he's hurting or lonely and doesn't know what else to do... being a grown up means having some impulse control and resisting temptation... not telling your mother is protecting your father's behavior and not protecting her... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you've thought of all of this and more as you've been raking yourself over the coals these last few weeks.

I don't think it matters that this isn't your marriage; they are both people you love. And who cares if you're only 21; you were raised with the morals that these two people instilled in you. Having the desire to protect others from harm is admirable, in my opinion.

In my opinion, the secrecy will drive a wedge between you and your mother, and it seems that seeing the disconnect between your father's professed morals and his apparent behavior has already impacted your relationship with him. It seems like remaining in limbo will have the effect of hurting all three of you anyway. Regardless of how you handle telling or not telling and confronting or not confronting, ignoring the impact this has on you will cause you more harm. (Ignoring problems hasn't helped me yet!) If you close your eyes, unfortunately this won't go away.

I think the fact that you are aware enough to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings and figure out how to handle this is a good indication that you have the wisdom to decide on a course of action that you can live with and that is the most beneficial and equitable for everyone involved.
skyDancer
Answered Jan 18, 2012
Edited Jan 18, 2012
Skydancer first of all thank you so so so much. Your words are incredibly comforting. I know ignoring the problems is not helping at all. I definitely feel the strain in my relations with both my parents, and even my sister who knows nothing and is in school a few provinces away. I know ignoring the problem will only make this worse. Thank you for the support of seeing a counselor. I think it will be a good thing to help guide me through this and handle the situation afterwards.

Anyways thank you and may your kindness and thoughtfulness be returned to you 1000 fold!
There is more here we don't know than what we do. The first question is whether you're sure he was using that computer? Is there anyone else that has access to it? The second is whether he's into a sexual fantasy or actually doing something that could put your mom at risk of a STD.

That link is to a regional Canadian web site (British Columbia, Alberta Saskatchewan and Manitoba). If you live in Western Canada or if your dad travels there, it could be for real. If he is never in that area, it is most likely a fantasy.

If you're sure he is actually meeting with prostitutes, I would give your mom the address to that web site and tell her where you got it. She deserves to know what she's exposed to. If you want to stay out of it, set up a Yahoo email account and email that link to her anonymously with a message something like, "Your husband [his name's] favorite web site." If it appears to be a fantasy, I'd leave it alone until you see something that appears he's acting on it.

I'm not in favor of snooping in other people's personal stuff but now that you know this, you are in a dilemma if your mom is being put at risk.
Rob
Answered Dec 31, 2011
Edited Dec 31, 2011
I agree. I would probably send an email like Rob suggested, and tell her his username. She can take it from there. If she's sees reason to take it further, the two of them sort it out.
An interesting fact is that the risk of catching something from an escort is actually a lot lower than if he was cheating with a random woman. High-end sex workers are extremely concerned about their sexual health, their business and their clients. Condom use and bi monthly testing is vigilant with most escorts, whereas this cannot be said for non-professionals. I don't think the STI issue is really what is relevant here. Yes, there is always a risk with sex outside of a relationship, but because it is with an escort does not mean the risk is higher. The statistics on AIDS with "26% HIV rate" that you may have read is a study of Downtown Eastside street-level survival drug addicted sex workers, not inside workers who charge much higher rates.
There are many people out there that are HIV positive who relied on "interesting facts" like yours. There is ALWAYS a risk when dealing with a prostitute and there is ZERO risk if he stays home with his wife. If you're willing to take those risks that's your business but you never have a right to expose someone else without their knowledge. That's the commitment he made when he got married. When the commitment no longer stands, get a divorce.
Rob Jan 09, 2012
I totally agree with Rob on this. If this is what he's doing, he has absolutely no right to jeopardize his wife's health without her consent.
I've definitely though about these risks and it pains me. However he has posted saying he always uses condoms and gets tested regularly in a forum post about diseases.

My mom is not computer savy so sending her a link from an unknown email address is not an option really.
My advice is to leave it alone. Maybe your father is living vicariously through the exploits of others, an example would be Penthouse forum which is an independent publication that is nothing but stories of sexual exploits, and has a very high purchase rate. You simply have no proof that it is indeed him and that he is using escorts other than some similar phrases and travel destinations. Maybe your mother knows about this activity, maybe she has her own exploits, digging any further may cause untold embarrassment, not to mention he deserves a certain amount of privacy.
Nolan
Answered Jan 09, 2012
I have to disagree. I think that he should tell her if there is a good chance that he is socializing with other women. He does deserve privacy, however if he is cheating, that part of his life has every right to be revealed.
When you snoop, you end up in poop.
BigRichard
Answered Jan 09, 2012
I've learnt that lesson before, and this was not intentional snooping!
Plenty of people just go on to PERB and sites like it to read reviews talk to other people and post things. Why does everybody always navigate to the worst possible option.

I doubt your dad is cheating, he's probably just getting his rocks off talking and commenting on things. If he is in fact cheating, well at least he's talking to and using professionals and not hooking up with some chick on Adult friend finder or Ashley Madison.. etc etc etc. 25 year married men get lonely too maybe he was just looking for someone to talk to. Being married 25 years is a long time... Worse comes to worse talk to him directly about it just the 2 of you. But don't get all "You're screwing around on Mom How could you?!"... Talk to him like a sane person and maybe you'll get the answers you want.. you might not like it....but then again maybe you will.
SpaceBadger1999
Answered Jan 09, 2012
Edited Jan 09, 2012
The way some of the women are replying to his 'reviews' and such makes me believe things have occurred; however, at the same time some of it does appear embellished.

Is he cheating you on his Phone? Does he text and call at all times? Do you want to know your partner's caller??
Bust a Cheater: Find out who's calling/texting your mate. Bust A Cheater allows people to find the owner of a phone number. Before the internet made it significantly easier for people to search for such information, people had a very difficult time finding the owner of particular phone number.

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steveinfinity
Answered Jul 01, 2016

If you know you not ready for a relationship why get into one and still cheat and liar. I was dying inside for my cheating wife, I had no prove, no one to run to. Everyone thought I was paranoid. until I was referred to a Private Investigator  Mr James . I told him about my situation and He understood me well and helped me spy on my wifes phone.He hacked my wifes Gmail and Facebook account and linked all my her WhatsApp and phone conversation to me, to find out the truth.I saw all the evidence and I was heart Broken,I just want to openly say thank you to Mr James for helping me get evidence against her,i feel so hurt. If you need help please contact him Mr James ([email protected]) via Email. 

melissa6767
Answered Nov 01, 2018
I met this man on Facebook name Phelps McAllister, he had been able to convince me to give him money on various occasion for different reasons varying from health to phone bills and also he made me use my Capital one bank account to receive payment and send to him in Malaysia where he has a Road contruction contract and a whole lot which can't be all said but thanks to a referral I came across on a web page I cant remember because its been a while now but the contact I was referred to was Martin Branch via email "branchm192atgmaildotcom" he helped me gain access to Phelps phone anonymously which helped me trace his location and found out he's in W/Africa and he was also in contact with a host of other women telling different lies to get money and other benefits from just like me. I reported him and he got arrested and since then i've been able to track down whoever tries to scam me with the help of Martins and also helps to verify whoever i'm having a conversation with anyone randomly on the Internet. you may be interested in getting Martins services , contact him via ; branchm192(@)gmail(.)com

Jessica McAllister from U.A.E
Lyon123
Answered May 18, 2019
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kevinpeters471
Answered Jun 20, 2019
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Marggiey
Answered Oct 21, 2019
Spacedude, it's time to make dad pay for his indiscretions, but why mess up mom's life. Tell him to stop, and get yourself a nice new car, or something else you want out of it.
gearstodad
Answered Jan 09, 2012
This answer is revolting.
I'm not seeing how manipulating your father is going to do anything but make the situation worse. If you do this and your mother later finds out that you knew and manipulated the situation to YOUR advantage, she's going to be justifiably pi$$ed and hurt. Manipulation is never the way to go. If your father is doing something inappropriate, then adding MORE lies and secrets won't help AT ALL.
I definitely would not do this. That would just make me feel worse. Confronting my dad though and talking with him asking him to talk with my mom about this and get help is much more likely.
It must be so difficult for you right now. I am sorry you are having to go through the worry and concern you have.

There are a few things I can say that I hope will help you feel better.

Over 20% of men in North America have seen professional sex workers at one time or another in their life. This is not an uncommon thing.

The fact (if indeed it is really true that it's a fact) that your dad is seeing escorts means a few things that are actually good.

1- he still wants his marriage.
2- he is still healthy enough to want sex
3- he is trying to be discreet so as not to hurt your mother
4- he may be doing this because his wife, your mom, doesn't want to do some of the things he feels he really wants to experience.
5- he does NOT want a love relationship with someone else! He just wants something he can't get in his marriage, but still wants the marriage.
6- the fact he seeks a professional means he is not spending extra time and money wooing a girlfriend who could destroy his marriage.

You really should not know this much about your dad, but I think that realistically, if you cannot reconcile this within yourself and will harbour resentment towards him, you must sit your dad down, unemotionally, and tell him what you know. You need answers from him as to why this is happening, otherwise you will think the absolute worst. I am guessing it is not as bad as you think it is.

Do NOT tell your mother. This is something your dad may decide to do on his own, but it is his marriage and his business, not yours!! If you love having your parents together, you should STFU.

30-60% of people cheat in relationships. This is just a fact. Many cheaters love their partners but cannot deny the thrill of the chase or an activity they yearn for. The idea of fidelity is a romantic notion that I really like and ascribe to for myself, but it is unrealistic for many people.

happycamper
Answered Jan 09, 2012
Best answer ever :)
if my husband was stepping out on me and someone I loved knew and didn't tell me, I would feel doubly betrayed. Somebody would have hell to pay. It's a tough call. You know your father and mother better than any of us do.
Thanks for you thoughtful reply, I certainly have been in shambles I tried to ignore it for a couple of weeks hoping it would disappear and I would forget but every time I look at my parents I think of this. I am booking an appointment to speak to a psychologist tomorrow I can't run from this much longer, its eating me up inside.

I realize that people get bored in relationships and see the temptation to stray, what angers me is that my dad has always carried himself as this morally superior man and to see him abusing women by buying sex infuriates me, more so had he just been cheating. Its that act of buying sex that I can't look past, and maybe I am naive and have a narrow world view but men who buy sex are disgusting they prey on women, even if they buy it from a high end escort.

I just don't know yet. I have gathered some more evidence that it is him and depending on what the psychologist says I might sit down one day soon and confront him on what I have found and really talk with him, adult to adult.
I'm with Space Badger and HappyCamper on this one. Leave it alone and if you just *can't* Talk to your Dad rationally. I hate to say it, and I don't mean this personally but you're just a kid and there is a lot about adult relationships you probably don't understand. I know that Married Life is far different than I imagined, even at age 25.

Agreed, if he's going to cheat, high end escorts is probably the best possible scenario. Yes, there is always a risk of STDs but there is less of one than with "street walkers" or random women and the high price means he isn't likely to do it often.

Its better than an affair because he's far less likely to develop an emotional attachment.

I will say this... I am a married man of 10yrs. If / When the sex life dies temptation lies everywhere.
AUAspect
Answered Jan 10, 2012
Edited Jan 10, 2012
As mentioned above I realize the temptations, but it still bothers me...especially the buying of the sex.

I know I am a kid even at 21 and Married Life is probably different from the way I imagine it but as I have said I realize temptations, I realize that things are not like they are on TV and Movies, but it still bothers me. I keep hoping for a way out or some sort of magical fairy to come down and take this away, but I am realizing that is no the case I need to confront this and face the issue. As mentioned I plan to see a psychologist to get further input and support.

Thanks for your honesty and taking the time to reply to me. I'll be sure to keep people updated.

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