Should I still be "friends" with my boyfriend's ex-wife to be (separated)?

My boyfriend (A) and I did not start off as...let's say the most socially acceptable way...
I was friends with his wife (K) at the time. Not BFF kinda friend. K and I are in the same profession, different companies, but we would run into each other once in a while at conferences and etc. It's a field that sort of set K and I "one of a kind"...so we did leave each other a strong impression, a good one from the start, but we did not really keep in touch. Later I learned she was busy preparing her wedding with my now-bf. One day, out of blue, K called me to go to a house party with her husband and friends. I later found out she was trying to introduce me to this guy (which was her close friend at the time) who just broke up with his gf. So, that's how K and I got acquainted again.

Me and the guy she wanted to set me up with did not work out. The feeling was mutual, we wanted nothing serious from each other. I, myself was in agony of leaving a 8 yr LD relationship for its best at the time. I knew I was not ready for anything serious, and I didn't want to. This slowly started into this routine weekend dinner party at one of the friend's in the group. I wanted nothing more than alone time to myself, so I was always there. K started to be very drawn to me, She found my company very fun and sometimes a bit crazier than what she would usually find herself into (in her words). We were seemed to be "inseparable." Honestly, the fondness is quite one sided. K is a wonderful woman, kind and sweet. But, I do find that when I'm with her, I'm a baby-sitter and an entertainer. I don't mind that role...because I'm used to the role and I know how to say no when I need my own space. And...I needed that distraction from my own grief on my last relationship. As I was invited to her house more and more...sometimes even over night...A and I got to know each other more and more. I also learned more about the dynamic of their relationship...and "my purpose" of being there... I was the "lubricant".., their relationship was deteriorating.

Long story short...K and A have been separated for a year and they are signing the divorce paper soon (mutual...from what I know both want to end it...with regrets...but still think this is the best thing to do). I've been with A for a year... secretly... it's been quite a bumpy relationship but we are still trying at it. I don't know what this relationship will go and nothing is certain.

What I'm hoping to hear from any of you...is your opinion of what I should do with K, the woman. In the beginning of their separation, K did call once and twice...and asked for my company...I was always there for her...but secretly seeing A. Guilt and dishonesty kills me slowly into distancing myself away from her. K has been also started her new circle of friends and disappeared...

If I don't choose to see K, I don't need to...but we are both in this very small peer professional group that meets once two months. I enjoy these meetings...and I enjoy her company as a friend...but it's so hard not to think of what I know and what she doesn't when I see her in these meetings...and what if one day, A and I want to go public... what am I going to tell K? I've been avoiding to go to these meetings because I don't know how to face K...at the same time...ppl have been curious about my absence for sure... and I need these meetings for networking purpose too...

What should I do?

I welcome any suggestions, comments, criticisms...anything...but please provide me with some reasonings...Thank you sincerely...
elhelpuser
Asked Mar 07, 2011
It's not necessarily a valid assumption that K would react negatively to the news that you're seeing her ex. Whether an an old couch or an old girlfriend, it would make me feel good to know somebody found some use for my discarded stuff. :-)

It always works better if you have the foresight to avoid situations where you will have to make tough choices between your partner and your friends or family.
Now that you're beyond that point, go to the meeting and when you have a minute alone with her, ask how she would feel about you dating her ex. Once you know the answer to that question you understand what your choices are.

Rob
Answered Mar 08, 2011
You said the relationship with A is not the most stable to begin with, but you are trying at it. Why would you want to throw another, much more complicated & damaging dynamic into the mix? It sounds like immedate relationship suicide to me. It's an unfortunate situation & I wish things could be less stressful for you, but that was the issue getting into this relationship from the start, so you must have been drawn to it. Now you need to decide if it is still what is keeping you in the relationship or if maybe that's all there ever was. The initial thrill is gone now & with this relationship it may not be possible to transition to a typical relationship. I suggest take some time apart to decide what it is you actually want & once you truly know run with it & don't let anything stand in your way! You may be surprised when you really think about & decide what you want!

I will tell you first hand though, divorced or not I don't want to know who my Ex is seeing. Though I know I won't have a choice eventually. I would absolutely be devastated if I found out it was a friend, aquaintence or anyone I knew though...PERIOD. Just my point of view from the other side of the issue.

I hope this helps! I wish you luck!!
winning
Answered Mar 09, 2011
elhelpuser,
My first advice to you is to search your own moral standing. In the same breath you state you are a friend to K but are "Secretly" seeing A.
So this tells me 3 things about you.
1 - You have no concept of friendship and how to truely be one,
and
2 - you have not yet developed a strong moral fiber determining the type of person you will be (or you have and this behavior is ok with you)
and
3 - Karma is gonna bite you square in the ass for this one!
RYPWyld
Answered Mar 24, 2011
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Answered Mar 31, 2020

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