Why have I grown to have a more pessimistic and narcissistic attitude?

When I was younger like around 16 I was a very friendly polite young person but now that I'm almost 22, I have grown to hate myself so much for my mistakes that I:
A) find it difficult to sleep at night
B) Have attempted suicide three times. (Once during school and twice after I left school)
C) constantly think about disappearing and or running away

My self hate is so threarening I'm almost always in a bad mood the night before and in the morning and during the whole day. Even if I'm around friends, I don't talk as much as I used to and instead think about how much I hate my pathetic existence.

No one in my life knows about the 3 suicide attempts or about my self hate. I HAVE KEPT THIS A SECRET FOR 13 YEARS. The reason I write this is because I want to know how people react; I'm not doing this just so that I can get attention but rather to finally reveal the biggest secret about myself. I also listen to a lot of dark, depressing and sad music because: I like being sad where as other people like being happy. I hate it so much when I laugh and smile simply because I just don't think anyone will take me seriously if I'm laughing while trying to say something important like: "There's no more milk in the fridge so can I get more please?" Yeah so basically my life is f***ed up and I hate my life so much.
Asked Apr 06, 2017

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