I fantasize about rape. (I can explain)

I'm a 16 y/o boy. But when I was younger I was repeatedly and frequently molested by a cousin of mine. At the time I couldn't grasp what was happening to me & he's actually not much older. I felt pleasure, but I knew it felt wrong. I started to hate being around him. Cuz I loved him but I was scared and confused. He did it every time he saw me. I wasn't ever truly raped. He never penetrated me. But he would hump me from behind and in front on top of me with our clothes on and put his hand in my pants and feel my penis and make me touch him, etc. He did it to me till he came once and I didn't know what to do so I just laid there. But that was the time he stopped actually because I think it was his first orgasm. & he seemed kinda confused about what his own body had done. I felt the wetness and saw the spot on his shorts. I had always been confused about my sexuality since the incidences but ik I'm bi now. I am attracted to both sexes. But I fantasize about raping/being raped by other males. I feel terrible because it's something I'd never do. I'm strongly opposed to it. And I want any sex I have to be out of love, but I'm really aroused by the thought of having sex with an attractive male with or without their consent. For instance idk if any of you have read the kite runner, but I'm reading it for a project. And in the scene where Assef rapes Hassan I was aroused. I was ashamed though. But the thought arouses me. I've never told anyone about these thoughts but it bothers me.
Asked May 17, 2016

TIP: If it's not your answer to this question, please click "Leave a Comment" button under the question to communicate with the question owner.