FtM - How to move forward?

I am a 20 year old college student currently living in New York. I get good grades, have for the most part achievable goals and work hard in and out of school. Besides school and work, I go to the gym, play video games, and hang out with friends. All things considered I think its a rather healthy and active life style. I am not depressed but I am not happy either. I feel like I would give it all up just to be something I'm not. My whole life I wished on stars, prayed to a god I didn't and don't believe in, hell when I was young I even asked Santa if I could just be a boy. As I got older instead of wishing for it, I started wondering why I wast one. Why was I made a female, what mistake was made? Growing up I would cringe when I was refereed to as a "her or she," and revel whenever I was mistaken for a he. Even being censored "it" for a time by my peers made me feel better. Along with all of this, growing up the idea of orientation confused me. I thought when I was younger that if I were to be a "he" then I was suppose to like girls but I never did. Later I thought that maybe instead of that if I was an "it" then I shouldn't like anyone. However, honestly I've always liked men. A few years back I started understanding that but at the same time I couldn't completely grasp as to "how" I liked them. Recently though I've come to realize and accept that I actually have an attraction to gay men. To put it more specifically those who to consider themselves bottoms. I particularly find slight flamboyance all the more attractive. Though that orientation in my state...simply doesn't work. I've read and heard so much about how others like myself feel "trapped" though I don't believe that. Its more like, my body is my own and I will forever be stuck with it. So instead of trying to get a new body, its more of a "I need to fix the one I have". A lot like when I was very overweight and decided I needed to loose it. (over 50 lbs lost, only 25 more to go).

I want to be okay with myself which is why I decided to loose weight. Though I feel better about that, I still cringe at how I look, how I sound, and even constantly monitor how I act. I don't bother trying to date, and I don't like those- around me to be physically close to me. I know that I can never be physically "real" and that fact hurts. Yet, I'd rather be fake than continue as I am because it feels even worse. My only escape is when I can go online in games and truly be how I feel. Just a guy playing a game with others to relax. I've done a lot of research into the steps of the transition process but I still need help in starting.

My two biggest issues are the financials and finding the right therapist. There are none in my area that deal in such matters and I have no current means of transportation. I've heard there are online options but at the same time I'd like to talk face to face with someone instead. Then of course there is the matter of how I would pay them. I am a college student who gets full government assistance (which means I come from a poverty stricken family.) Even while I am working in college I have very little free spending money and my family is unable to assist in the financials.

I'm in a bind but I'm so tired of living like this. I really want to be me, I want others to see me for what I feel. Hell, I want to be able to go out and happily date! So I need someone or several people to set me in the right direction, tell me how I can move forward!
Asked Jan 30, 2016
I know that feeling. I would suggest finding a support group or getting a seeing-eye Dog.
Answered Jan 30, 2016
a seeing-eye dog? What are you talking about dude?

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