How to move forward? Childhood, Xgf, and social problems

I have a lot of personal problems stemming from early childhood. These overlap with more current problems. I've gotten schools back on track in the last year after dropping out. But everything else is still a mess.

I have gone to see a psychologist but could never stick with it for more than a few visits. I never felt like I was expressing myself or getting any real help. So I'm just going to let it all out at once right here. Maybe I'll get some advice that sends me in the right direction. Or at least putting it all together might help me in a way.

My family moved to California from Europe when I was a baby. When I first went to pre-K I couldn't speak english, and I was generally bullied and seen as an outcast till middle school when suddenly I was well liked.

Not surprisingly middle school was perhaps one of the happiest times in my life. I think this is part of why I lack and have always searched for a sense of belonging. Something I lack a lot in college now.

That's the easy part. Darker part is that I was molested around age 4 by the housekeepers terminally ill husband. These memories were repressed till around 14 or 15 years old, but are too clear now. In one form or another this probably plays some part in my current issues. I'm just not certain how.

My mother divorced my father also around age 4/5. I remember their loud arguments vividly, and crying when I could not get a word in between them.

It took a while for me to even develop a real opinion on their divorce. But long term I have come to hate both my parents for it. My father was lazy and lacked ambition, smoked and wanted the right to go with friends. My mother didn't like him doing that, and she was far more ambitious.

I hate my father for being irresponsible, but he was a nice guy and was actually the more involved parent. He worked from home so he was around a lot to watch cartoons or play sports with me when I was little. But in the end he just taught me being a nice guy or good dad isn't really good enough if I ever want to get the respect of the women I want. His life also really went downhill after the divorce which gave me a serious fear of being rejected/ left by a women.

I hate my mom for leaving when she did. She could have not had me, left when I was a year old, or waited till I was near 10. All would have been better I think.

I hate her because in a way I think her leaving my father when I was 4 was extremely selfish. Within a year she was dating someone else very different from my dad, successful, who she married by the time I was around 7 or 8. In my opinion she left at a time in my childhood that showed the least regard for me and only for her own happiness. I feel I'm the one who really paid for the mistakes she made with my father. And, In a way it actually worked out for her. Her career took off and she married someone wealthier.

Most of my issues didn't really start till I finished high school. Around this time I lost my sense of belonging and high school group of friends. Also living at home had a stabilizing effect that vanished once I was out on my own.

I had a best friend since I was a year old who was always self centered, materialistic, and arrogant, but I became extremely annoyed and mistrustful of him as I matured and realized that was just who he was and that was not going to change.

I also started dating a girl seriously at the end of high school for close to three years. I think that heavy emotional involvement and drama helped bring some of my deeper problems to the surface. I consider the end of that relationship my low point. I felt at the time it was a life defining failure that I was to blame for. I clung to her pathetically and desperately towards the end as a result.

It's been over a year now. I no longer blame only myself, she was not perfect and neither was I, but I really think especially in our final year my fear of her leaving me and what that would do to me, based on my father, played a huge part in my bad behavior that I see now only pushed her further away. And it also destroyed my self confidence very utterly. Between my X and distancing myself from my best friend I basically lost the two most important non family relationships I had.

The problem isn't constant depression like it used to be right after all the bad stuff happend. Now it's stagnation, loneliness, and boredom. I don't have friends like I used to, and I don't seem capable of making new ones. I seem capable of recognizing what is wrong with my past but I have no idea how to go forward.

I just spend my time in class or in my room mostly alone, not even busy with work as often as I should be. I feel shut away and isolated from the world and most of my peers.

I'll go to a friends house two or maybe three times a week but I feel I have little to talk about. And I hardly even feel like going out anymore at night when they suggest it. It seems now when there are girls around I have no compulsion to speak to them really. Not how it was in the past.

In the end that just makes me look weird around my friends for having so little interest. It makes me look stand offish and arrogant, and also only lowers my own self confidence even more to boot. Going out and meeting people has become defeating in itself for me because clearly I'm not able to meet people right now. I have too many reservations about myself and no genuine desire to meet people like I used too. Sometimes it feels like I do the bare minimum in conversation then stop talking as soon as I feel I've said enough that I won't seem too quiet.

Truth be told, almost everything, especially interactions with other people tends to feel annoying and something of a hassle. And on some level I think I am very disillusioned with the world and people in general.

Sometimes I dream about my X. It reminds me of what I've lost, and how sad I am now. It is an awful way to wake up when I feel dead inside. I want to move forward, but for over a year now I don't seem to be able to do that on my own.

Also, just to make sure I get it all out there, I seem to have constant stress and anxiety related problems which also probably just adds/feeds off everything else.

There it is. My whole life's mess on one neat page. Yay.
Asked May 04, 2015

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