Too Broken To Live, Too Chicken To Die- What do?

My life is utter sh*t. I have a mental disorder that makes it impossible to work. This sets off a chain reaction of utter misery in my life. I'm depressed, and my life is stagnant. I have NO income and live with two people who have ALMOST no income. We have no car, I have only the two of them as friends, I have VERY little interest in my family because we weren't the close kind growing up (if they all disappeared right now, I'd only miss one of them), and even if I did, half of them have disowned me for being trans (not the mental disorder I was talking about).
I've been through Christianity and found it wanting. So please spare me your witnessing. Jesus is not there, and if he were, he obviously isn't getting off his ass to help anyone. Compare children suffering world wide to the fat-cat lives of Evangelical pastors- if there were a Christan god, that wouldn't be happening, but it is, so there you go.

I have no way to get to or pay for mental help, so telling me "go see someone" like a therapist etc is as useful as telling me "just be happy". It is completely impossible. Not an option.

I've heard simpletons telling me things will get better since I was twelve, so save that lie, please. They have not gotten better, it's been sixteen years, that is LONG ENOUGH for things to get better if they were going to. They have instead gotten progressively worse and seem to be continuing to do so. Things aren't guaranteed to get better, this isn't a friggin Disney movie, people.

At the other end of this morass of sh*t, I am a complete coward in regards to suicide. I don't have the guts to slit my throat or hang myself or even jump into traffic or off a building (I live on the third floor and on a busy four lane street, if I could I'd have done it by now) or take pills etc. I am just too scared. It's stupid, but I can't do it. I have TRIED and I always back out for some stupid reason or another.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Has anyone else ever been in this -kind- of situation (obviously not exact, but between a shitty and unchangeable life and suicide not being an option) and gotten out of it? What do you do??? I want to give up, but even giving up isn't an option so wtf? Do I just wander into the wilderness until I die of natural causes? What??
NojuanEspecial
Asked Nov 04, 2013
Well, as you said, no point in making useless promises it'll get better. Before I can answer this fully though I need to know what kind of disorder you have (I have one myself).

Is there any program that you can think of that can get you extra money? Who do you know that you can live with for a while so that you can get a job and save up some money? Disorders don't eliminate all job possibilities, only some. Try to find one that won't conflict with whatever the symptoms are. Your life doesn't sound unchangeable, although I'll give you the shitty part. You can't just wait for something to get better (as you already know), but neither can you just say things are unchangeable and leave it at that. There's always SOMETHING you can do even if you don't realize you can do it at first.
whocares
Answered Nov 04, 2013
1) I have Borderline Personality Disorder and gods know what else. I don't know if it's just the BPD or something else, but any time there is a hint that I might fail at something my stress levels act like it's liveor die and I have -severe- panic attacks.
The last job I had, I was on my way to work and the very idea of going made me almost jump out of a moving car because dying seemed like a better option at the time.

No, I've looked into everything I can think of. I am trying to get disability, but because I can't afford a psych for an official diagnosis, nor can I get to the free clinic over fourty miles away -because it's first come first serve, so I can't get a ride at 5am and there are no bus lines near me, or that even operate at that hour- (I have 9 out of 9 symptoms for BPD, and reading testimonials from
2) Borderlines is like reading about my own life) just getting the ball rolling has been impossible.

I have no one I can stay with. No family with money is close enough, and no family close enough has enough money to support an extra person living with them. Not to mention, my BPD makes living with others unbearable for both me and them.

I only say things are as unchangeable as I do, because I have exhausted every option in every direction I can think of. This isn't an 'at first' thing. I've been trying to claw my way out of this hole for seven years and have found nothing.

I am literally only alive because I am too much of a chicken to off myself, there is nothing else stopping me. I know people would feel bad, but I also know, if they really knew how miserable I am, they would let me go out of compassion.
Because of the increasing ills that afflict mankind today, this sentiment is becoming more and more popular. I found a couple of links that will offer comfort in this regard.
The first (http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201404) includes this quote: '.......Experts point out, however, that most people who try to kill themselves do not really want to end their life; they merely want to end their suffering. In short, they believe that they have a reason to die; what they need is a reason to live.'
The title of the article reads:
Why go on? Consider three reasons to keep living.
I hope you will copy and paste the provided link and enjoy this material :)

Also depression causes stress which in turn adds to feelings of being broken! If you are interested in finding helpful ways to manage stress caused by depression, I found that the following link provided some very practical suggestions.
http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201405/managing-stress/
clear4life
Answered May 28, 2014

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Erick123
Answered Jul 19, 2014

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