I've been through Christianity and found it wanting. So please spare me your witnessing. Jesus is not there, and if he were, he obviously isn't getting off his ass to help anyone. Compare children suffering world wide to the fat-cat lives of Evangelical pastors- if there were a Christan god, that wouldn't be happening, but it is, so there you go.
I have no way to get to or pay for mental help, so telling me "go see someone" like a therapist etc is as useful as telling me "just be happy". It is completely impossible. Not an option.
I've heard simpletons telling me things will get better since I was twelve, so save that lie, please. They have not gotten better, it's been sixteen years, that is LONG ENOUGH for things to get better if they were going to. They have instead gotten progressively worse and seem to be continuing to do so. Things aren't guaranteed to get better, this isn't a friggin Disney movie, people.
At the other end of this morass of sh*t, I am a complete coward in regards to suicide. I don't have the guts to slit my throat or hang myself or even jump into traffic or off a building (I live on the third floor and on a busy four lane street, if I could I'd have done it by now) or take pills etc. I am just too scared. It's stupid, but I can't do it. I have TRIED and I always back out for some stupid reason or another.
What the hell am I supposed to do? Has anyone else ever been in this -kind- of situation (obviously not exact, but between a shitty and unchangeable life and suicide not being an option) and gotten out of it? What do you do??? I want to give up, but even giving up isn't an option so wtf? Do I just wander into the wilderness until I die of natural causes? What??