I am in a place in my life were I literally do not know what to do. Things have spiraled so badly out of control, I feel like I am drowning. I am a mother, of a beautiful three year old daughter. The only thing that keeps me fighting back, but I have reached a point where I can't fight anymore. I'll start with some history, to understand me better. I was raised in a bad home. My dad used to drink, all the time. My mother didn't work, was always home, but always somehow too occupied she never had time for me. My dad was verbally abusive, but a recent stroke, he changed for the better in some ways. I remember the days as a kid, and they were pretty much horrible for me. My parents blamed me for everything, even when it wasn't my fault. For an example, at school, I got teased like crazy. I remember a girl sticking gum in to my hair - a lot of it. When I got home in tears trying to find comfort from my mom, she just turned to me and said: "You must have looked for trouble with her then". I was sitting, reading.. I was the quiet girl sitting in the corner of class never talking to anyone, painfully shy. This is just an example of many, many things. I also remember things like scoring extremely well in a test (which I rarely did), my dad will say: "It's still not 100%". These things blew down my already low self confidence. Finally, right after school I met this charmingly wonderful man called **Steve. He was abused, so he said. Had scars on his back - lines and small circular bruises. He told me his dad used to burn him with cigarettes and grandpa beaten him with a whip. I felt horrible for him, but after being together a year and too deep in the relationship he changed his story. It was from chickenpox and the lines were from growing quickly (huge stretch marks). I didn't say anything. He later confessed cheating on me, only a kiss nothing more. After we were married I found out they had sex and more. Even before we were married he was controlling. I'd go shopping, he'd text me and accuse me of sleeping around and being a whore. This was a constant thing. My life with my parents was still hell. We got married, then the real problems started. His controlling became so bad. He would come home, digging in the trash for proof (hell knows what). He would count the condoms, accusing me of stuff. He would find white stains on the bed (it would be our one year old at the time, that spilled milk), and accuse me of cheating. There would be two dirty glasses in the sink - I would be cheating. He checks my email, my phone, my Facebook everything religiously everyday. Has my passwords to everything. Just two months after moving in together (before I got pregnant), the drama got worse. We had a fight. As always, begging like an idiot, he threatened to burn me with the iron. During my pregnancy at the end, text came through from another woman asking him what hours he's working and when can she see him ect. I usually pick up the phone when he is busy - he lost it this time. Flipping out. Saying he's brother gave his number to another woman. Random stuff like this kept happening. My distrust worsened. Three months after my daughter was born, he broke my arm. I crapped him out because of something he did. He couldn't handle it. I never told anyone. He even apologized. Then a long while after - he broke my nose. I remember we had an argument. He never has time for me and our daughter - his computer was all that mattered to him. I crapped him out. He ignored me. When I got up stairs, out of frustration, I threw a toy of my daughter's and it broke. The last thing I remembered he stood in front of me, saying: "since you are breaking stuff". I woke up in a pool of blood. I left for a week, staying at a friend's house. Her husband didn't like the idea, and was forced to go back to him because I had nowhere else to go with my daughter. That two months in secret, I hated him. I pretended to be happy to keep him happy. On valentines day, he did all the rose and candles and chocolate thing - I became so confused. One minute it would be hell with him, the next moment he would treat me good. After all that, the accusations escalated that I was cheating. I honest to God have NEVER cheated on him. Sometimes I wish I did, just to have some sense of comfort.
After that, we moved in with his brother. Then it became even worse. He started even accusing me for cheating on his brother. My parents offered for us to move in with them to save some money, because financially we were struggling. We agreed. I thought it would be better for me and my daughter to be living there, safer from Steve. My dad changed his old habits. Things took a spin for the worst. There are constant fights – between everyone in the house. My mom is constantly criticizing me on everything I do, my dad accuses me each time something goes wrong or missing (when he only misplaced it). This is a daily thing. A year ago the symptoms came. Bipolar symptoms. Fast forward to the present – I am in hell. Alone. I suffer hourly with overwhelming anger and anxiety – the worst for me from the whole ordeal. One person in the house would just casually say, “hey, you forgot the glass on the table”, I would lose it. I would yell and scream, my body would feel like I am possessed, I would shake uncontrollably. I would run in to my room, somewhere no one would see me. I would sink to the floor and cry. It would feel like I can’t breathe, the anxiety would stay there. A while later, I’ll be peaceful, then suddenly I’d be hyper and indestructible. I noticed these things a year ago. I checked the internet and did some quizzes (yes, I know it’s not a diagnosis), but I just needed an idea to know what is wrong and what I can do to get better. I tried all I could – it got worse. I tried to talk to my husband. He would say: “Oh, is that all?”, like it’s nothing. I’d try to talk to my mom: “It will blow over”, or, “just deal with it like a grown woman”. I knew it was starting to spin out of control. I overdosed on painkillers that makes you sleepy. I can’t sleep, and when I do, I have nightmares. I have reached the point where I would do ANYTHING to feel better. I even resolved to drinking alcohol after my daughter went to bed so I can sleep better. After overdosing on the pills, I threw up most. I remember lying on the floor, my legs dead, like I didn’t have any. My phone was lying next to me, but I didn’t call for help. I didn’t care if I was going to die or not. I was alone at home that day. I keep trying to fight back, but I’m losing. I can’t lose this – my daughter needs me. I can’t leave her with these people. If it wasn’t for her.. I want this all to stop. I want to get her away from this hell. I try my best with her – but feel like the worst mother on earth. I am even yelling at her I can’t control the moods anymore. My husband is just as always in love with his computer. He doesn’t care. I plucked up the courage, and for my daughter’s sake, I talked to a good friend of mine. She ‘s an OT and has experience with people with these kind of problems. She even said I have all the symptoms of bipolar… She wants to take me to see a doctor soon as she can get over (we live far from each other). I agreed. I tried to talk to my mother again – I need her support. So badly. Her response: “Do not trust your friends, they will throw you in the deep end to drown”… “Deal with it, it will go away”. I tried to deal with it, and it doesn’t get better. It gets worse and worse. Because of her word use, I do not even know now if I should go to the doctor. I am terrified of going. I even experienced hallucinations during nighttime – it happens very rarely, but when it does, I am terrified. Financially, we are about to sleep in the streets. The woman where we are renting are selling the place. So me and my husband are moving back out on our own. I am scared he will turn back to his old ways… We have no money to get a place, we barely afford bread. Our daughter always gets whatever she needs, no matter how hard it gets. I am so terrified I’m going to lose her if things don’t change soon. I am extremely insecure, and can’t find a job because of it. Can it be because of depression? Is this even bipolar? I am so messed up right now. The moods are hourly, for the passing year non stop.. I can’t cope anymore Please, anyone know what I should do? I can’t think clearly anymore..
After that, we moved in with his brother. Then it became even worse. He started even accusing me for cheating on his brother. My parents offered for us to move in with them to save some money, because financially we were struggling. We agreed. I thought it would be better for me and my daughter to be living there, safer from Steve. My dad changed his old habits. Things took a spin for the worst. There are constant fights – between everyone in the house. My mom is constantly criticizing me on everything I do, my dad accuses me each time something goes wrong or missing (when he only misplaced it). This is a daily thing. A year ago the symptoms came. Bipolar symptoms. Fast forward to the present – I am in hell. Alone. I suffer hourly with overwhelming anger and anxiety – the worst for me from the whole ordeal. One person in the house would just casually say, “hey, you forgot the glass on the table”, I would lose it. I would yell and scream, my body would feel like I am possessed, I would shake uncontrollably. I would run in to my room, somewhere no one would see me. I would sink to the floor and cry. It would feel like I can’t breathe, the anxiety would stay there. A while later, I’ll be peaceful, then suddenly I’d be hyper and indestructible. I noticed these things a year ago. I checked the internet and did some quizzes (yes, I know it’s not a diagnosis), but I just needed an idea to know what is wrong and what I can do to get better. I tried all I could – it got worse. I tried to talk to my husband. He would say: “Oh, is that all?”, like it’s nothing. I’d try to talk to my mom: “It will blow over”, or, “just deal with it like a grown woman”. I knew it was starting to spin out of control. I overdosed on painkillers that makes you sleepy. I can’t sleep, and when I do, I have nightmares. I have reached the point where I would do ANYTHING to feel better. I even resolved to drinking alcohol after my daughter went to bed so I can sleep better. After overdosing on the pills, I threw up most. I remember lying on the floor, my legs dead, like I didn’t have any. My phone was lying next to me, but I didn’t call for help. I didn’t care if I was going to die or not. I was alone at home that day. I keep trying to fight back, but I’m losing. I can’t lose this – my daughter needs me. I can’t leave her with these people. If it wasn’t for her.. I want this all to stop. I want to get her away from this hell. I try my best with her – but feel like the worst mother on earth. I am even yelling at her I can’t control the moods anymore. My husband is just as always in love with his computer. He doesn’t care. I plucked up the courage, and for my daughter’s sake, I talked to a good friend of mine. She ‘s an OT and has experience with people with these kind of problems. She even said I have all the symptoms of bipolar… She wants to take me to see a doctor soon as she can get over (we live far from each other). I agreed. I tried to talk to my mother again – I need her support. So badly. Her response: “Do not trust your friends, they will throw you in the deep end to drown”… “Deal with it, it will go away”. I tried to deal with it, and it doesn’t get better. It gets worse and worse. Because of her word use, I do not even know now if I should go to the doctor. I am terrified of going. I even experienced hallucinations during nighttime – it happens very rarely, but when it does, I am terrified. Financially, we are about to sleep in the streets. The woman where we are renting are selling the place. So me and my husband are moving back out on our own. I am scared he will turn back to his old ways… We have no money to get a place, we barely afford bread. Our daughter always gets whatever she needs, no matter how hard it gets. I am so terrified I’m going to lose her if things don’t change soon. I am extremely insecure, and can’t find a job because of it. Can it be because of depression? Is this even bipolar? I am so messed up right now. The moods are hourly, for the passing year non stop.. I can’t cope anymore Please, anyone know what I should do? I can’t think clearly anymore..
Asked Oct 27, 2012
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