I don't know if she just wants a good time or she actually wants something more, like me.

It's a bit of a long story... This girl, she's a cousin of an old internet friend of mine. Naturally, we met through her. It was an year and a half ago, when I first went to their town for a visit. We all met each other for the first time and it was really fun. When I came back home, the girl, who at that time was already an open lesbian, started to write to me all the time. We literally wrote to each other every night for a couple of months, casual talk. Later on, she started asking me about my orientation, but at the time, I still wasn't sure if I was gay. I did watch a lot of lesbian themed movies though, and we discussed them quite a lot. Then, I decided to pay the girls a visit one more time. Everything was just great throughout the day. We drank a bit and I was feeling a bit fuzzy, so I went to bed, wanting to get some sleep and feel all refreshed in the morning. My online friend stayed in her room to play on the computer and her mother went to sleep also. Not long after I've gone to the bedroom, Nancy (the girl's name) came after me. She undressed a bit and lied down, too. I was quite surprised, I never even saw it coming. After half an hour resisting to my true nature (and it was really hard, she was really persistent...), I finally gave in and we had passionate sex, I literally didn't recognize myself, I was not me, or more so, I was me, I just didn't know that IS me. What I felt the two days after can not be explained with words, it's just the way we touched hands, the way we rubbed our fingers while in bed, pretending not doing anything because my online friend was in the room...
Anyway, we left it at that, she would always brag about how she can seduce anyone, how she wants to have sex and so on. I am a die-hard romantic so I was not very happy about it, I even got mad at myself for letting this happen. When I returned home, destiny once again made me choose if I should fall for the instinct and I did it again, under the influence of alcohol, because otherwise I'd never have the courage. The girl I had something with back home was a neighbour of mine in the university dorm. Long story said short - she just wanted a good time, I got fooled because of my own lack of experience and got burnt BAD. It took me months to get over her. In the meantime, Nancy would still write to me, though not that regularly anymore. One day I decided to visit her again, to help myself forget about the other girl - because I knew Nancy wouldn't mind and wouldn't expect anything from me. Bad idea. Not only because Nancy and that girl also had a fling - yes, you heard me right... a fuck buddy kind of fling. But we were both depressed at the time, and we stopped half-way it just didn't work out. This time it felt so forced, like from a porn movie. We couldn't even bare kissing each other... After that, we almost never wrote to each other, it was just uncomfortable.
So, four months ago I was finally over this other girl. That helped me a bit writing to Nancy once more. At the time she had a girlfriend and all her responses were really short, blunt and unfriendly, or at least seemed like that. Eventually, we began to talk a bit more and one day she asked me to visit her again. I thought I was ready for something crazy again, so I agreed. From that point on, she would call me almost every day. She did tell me that she knew I was in some sort of a phase right now and wouldn't try to make me do anything, so I shouldn't worry. When I got there though, she was like a different person. Always mad for no reason, didn't talk as much as before, she herself told me, that after she broke up with that girl, she shut herself in her home and just wanted to be alone. There was this moment when our feet touched under the table accidentally but we just stood like that, not moving our feet away. I felt this crazy energy and chemistry flowing in me. I tried really hard to resist her those three days: because I realized I'm not the type of person who would have sex without feelings. She didn't make a move on me this time either; she most probably thinks I still have feelings for this girl, because she asked me a billion times if it would be okay to meet up with her (they are both from the same town). We didn't meet up in the end though. I left the town really anxious at 5AM because I didn't want to see Nancy once again, otherwise I don't know what I would've done.
Yeah... so far so good. Thing is, before this last meet-up of ours, I wasn't daydreaming about her and me being in a romantic relationship, it was purely sex all that was in my mind. For a week now though, I can't get it out of my head. She is an extremely romantic and fragile person and is an almost perfect match for me, since we are both water signs. I am scared though; I was in the "fuck buddy zone" once, I don't want it to happen again. I realized I've liked her for the longest time too late. She keeps talking about how she and this girl should totally do it and be fuck buddies again. I enrage every time she talks about doing this and that with whoever... I know... she is attracted to me... But what if it's only in a sexual kind of way? And even if it is, I plan to travel through the country and go to the beach where she is right now and tell her everything. I'm afraid of rejection but I can't take this anymore. I just needed some encouragement... An advice from someone, but it's complicated, all my closest friends, even her family members think she is a slut while only I know how pure she actually is. Can somebody tell me if I'm doing the right thing by confessing?
Sanake
Asked Aug 31, 2012
Edited Aug 31, 2012

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of course your doing the right thing.maybe when you confess you two can fall in love or something.
rmekmrkew
Answered Aug 31, 2012
Yes.
What have you got to loose?
If she is mad at you, and you tell her, and she doesn't like you back, nothing changes. She still is mad at you, correct?
You two could be really good together!
Caitalin
Answered Jun 01, 2013

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