Is it wrong to take sides when you're parents separate?

My Mother and Father have been married for 30 years. It was a whirlwind romance when they were both in their very early 20's. I've honestly thought they were happy all these years. When I was in high school, my Mom got breast cancer. It was a very scary time for the whole family, but it took an incredible toll on my Dad. I was almost more worried about him. He never let my Mom see how scared he was, but I definitely did. It all worked out and everything has been great until recently. My Dad and Brother are basically not speaking right now. Both are so stubborn and as much as I hate the conflict, I know they will work it out. But now my Mom is saying crazy things. She feels like my Dad is being overbearing and controlling, which is not true, she's always done exactly as she pleases, and she's saying she wants to separate so she "can find herself"? Nobody in this whole entire world loves my Mom like my Dad does. I have been searching for a love like theirs my whole entire life. It just doesn't make sense. I spend my weekends off with them because I live out of state and they are my best friends but this is making me not want to go see them. My dad has noticed and has been kind of hurt, I can tell, and my Mom just acts like everything is okay. Last night she sent me a text and told me she is going to ask my Dad for a separation. He has so much going on right now with work, and she does too, and I just know this will kill him. He cares so much about all of us, and my Brother is being a dick to him, and my Mom wants to leave him. As super close as my Mom and I are, I know she would have my Brother's support and I don't want to lose them but I can't leave my Dad alone like that. And I can't go back and forth because that would kill me. I'm just at a complete loss. I want to save my family. I know it's not my responsibility necessarily but these are the people I care most about. I feel so guilty because on Sundays my mom and I go to the beach at Lake Tahoe and I've just started a new relationship with a really good guy but I'm not good at relationships because I've been single like 99% of my life. It's what I know and here's my Mom saying she thinks it's great and if only she'd done the same and now she has spent more of her life with my Dad than without and I feel like I've been putting stupid ideas in her head because I'm insecure...I don't know what to do or say. I've basically spent the past day crying because all I can think about is how my birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, my Mom's birthday, and my parent's anniversary are all coming up very soon and I don't want to choose sides but if it comes down to it, I know where my heart lies...It's gonna come to a point where I'm gonna hurt one or both of them because my Mom is being selfish. It has always been the 4 of us against the world (we don't have much family) and I feel like now it's gonna be me. I'm so scared. Anybody else been through this and have any good advice?

It is a common thing among middle aged adults who experience life threatening situations or who have someone close to them die to have a "mid life crisis." It is the result of facing the reality that life is a temporary thing, something most of us haven't really confronted head-on until something like that happens. Then they start considering all the things they wanted to do with their life that didn't work out.

I would recommend you try to see if you can get them in front of a good marriage counselor that understands the above. Your mom needs to understand her life isn't over if she remains with your father and your father needs to understand what she's going through and try to help her work on her unfulfilled dreams. Sometimes with that approach, relationships can get even stronger than the bond that has kept them together this long.

TAKE A BREATH, DEAR! Everybody deserves to grow and develope. Even Moms. Even Dads. Even Brother's. And especially You. And we must respect that. It is not your right, and not your choice to dictate how or when, they grow and develope. But they are your family, and you love them. I bet each of them would love to hear you tell them you love them. Assurance of your support. Not your judgement upon them, not your specific directions on how you would like them to act in the future. Just a hug, and a reminder that they will always be loved and special. Your job is being in charge of you. You know how to do that----they raised you.

I agree with what Rob and Ldoucette1959 said. There are only two people who can save your parents' marriage... and neither of them is you. The best thing you can do is take care of your own emotional health, the best way you know how. Inside a marriage, things aren't always the way they seem on the outside. There could be things neither of them is telling you. At any rate, the best thing you can do is try to let them know that your love for each of them is unconditional... and not try to play referee.