Well, I have a different take here, and I hope you will take some time to think about it. I am a Social Work student and I have seen a LOT of abuse, mostly by men toward women. In other words, I've seen an awful lot of oppression of women by men. One major way men oppress women is by holding their sexuality against them. It is almost an unconscious hobby! And your attitude, well, it's a great example of a man oppressing a woman sexually, though at first that idea may seem shocking to you.
I know we can make a case for the fact that this sort of thing goes back to biology and evolution, and a guy wanting, consciously or not, to know that his child is his own, but see, this biological 'need' really does conflict with the needs and wants of many modern women who want to enjoy sex as much as men. I know plenty of women, fellow students, friends, etc., that really enjoy having sex with many partners. Well, look, it is not 1787 anymore. It's 2013. You've got to ask yourself, why does it bother you so much that your wife has been with other men, regardless of the number? Really think about that. Do you spend time contemplating the number of people who've eaten off the same plate as you have when you're in a restaurant? But they're washed, right? I'm assuming your wife has taken a shower since you've been married? I'm not being funny here. You might wonder if have a problem with sex! If you don't believe me, ask a counselor.
I won't tell you how many women my boyfriend has slept with, but it's far more than 18, and I have to tell you I never even think about it. So, really examine why this is so important to you. You mentioned not liking knowing what men have done with her. To me this smacks of abuse and control. I don't think it's healthy that it bothers you so much. Having said all of that, sure, you have the right to be disgusted if you want, but how is that being a modern guy who isn't interested in oppressing women? Honestly, your attitude about the number of partners she has had makes me very upset. There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners. Recognize that.
In Social Work, we learn acceptance. Try looking at an event as neither a positive or a negative. It just is. As an example, let's say you get fired. Well, you can look at that as a horrible thing, an opportunity, OR, as simply an event that occurred. What I'm trying to get at here is that YOU are the one making the number of sexual partners your wife has had a problem. It is not a problem by itself, you are labeling it as one. Remember, it is your hang up, not hers. What I really think is going on here is that you have a sort of sexual mismatch going on. Obviously, you are more old-fashioned about sex, which is fine, but your wife is more liberal, which ALSO is fine.
If you ask me, part of the reason she told you the truth now is because she feels oppressed, unaccepted, and perhaps even angry that she cannot be as sexual with you as she'd like. That's just a guess. I'll bet though, if you could get her to be honest, she'd confess to wanting many sexual things that you'd find repulsive - and voila, there is the true problem for the two of you. I really feel bad for her in all of this because somehow, she is not very accepting of herself...it doesn't sound like she has accepted who she is as a person, sexually or otherwise. If she did accept herself, then she would have known better than to try to hide the truth from you. She wouldn't have wanted to, instead she would have passed you over, for a guy with whom she could really be herself. At the heart of this problem is the question, "Why does your wife feel she cannot be who she really is?" THAT problem is far more important than the fact that your wife had 18 partners and 6 one-night stands! One more thing, are you sure your wife is really ready for kids? It doesn't sound like it to me. Part of her motivation for telling you the truth could be the fact that really she wants to do a lot more in life before becoming a mother. Kids are hard! They do take away your freedom. I hope you really give all of this some thought. I urge you NOT to put it behind you. Not the partners and one-night stands, but the issue of your obvious mismatch! NOTE: this is what the poster above me was talking about...there are serious problems here that shouldn't be ignored!
Answered Apr 30, 2013
Edited Apr 30, 2013
Uhhhmmm.... one of my degrees is in women's/gender studies... and WOW you really over reached here in my opinion! I think you inferred far too much based on the information given.... And actually, I think you missed the point. I think your theories may have had a tenuous level of relevance if she had disclosed her past in the beginning of their relationship and he walked away then... but, in my opinion, you missed the boat on the violation of trust they had established, and lying by omission for years. I think it was more about trust than sex... all of this is just my opinion.
Anyway... this is over a year old, and I hope it all worked out for them.
Jte42 -- if you're still around somewhere -- I hope this answer doesn't make you feel like an oppressive male stereotype....
No, I didn't over reach at all. From the amount of information given, a person could accurately infer much more than I wrote. I didn't miss the point at all. You're right, it is about trust, but not between the two of them, it's about the trust she has for herself. This woman should have trusted herself enough to have the confidence she needed to be with a man with whom she COULD fully disclose her past. And, she didn't lie by omission. Not really. It isn't her husband's business how many partners she has had. It's entirely irrelevant. It's a ridiculous hang up that men have, for whatever reason. A man puts a woman in the position to lie when he ASKS her how many partners she's had. Check out this article: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-does-it-matter-how-many-partners-shes-had/ Most people DO LIE about the number of partners they've had. It's stupid to ask someone!
Socialworkchick:
If I may say, I don't think you over reached at all. You completely MISSED the mark. "There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners." You are correct. But lying about having had multiple partners is completely wrong and selfish. How on earth would she have known "who" would have been comfortable with her number when she met them ? And if it isn't his business to know how many partners she's had, then why would she even need to find someone who she felt comfortable sharing who she "really was" with ?
What this man is hurting about is that the woman he chose to marry ended up not being who she pretended to be. She lied to him about who she was and it's natural that now he is going to have difficulty coping with the reality. To say that a man is considered to have a hang up because of how many partners a potential mate has had is just plain ridiculous. Men put women in the position to lie ? No, women lie because they know they can get away with it. They decide what they want to tell their partner and then if the men end up finding out about it, then they blame the man, stating it's their issue.
How about giving your future spouse the opportunity to decide for himself if he wants to marry someone, based on who they are, what they have done in the past ?
The reason she finally told him the truth isn't because she feels oppressed, but perhaps her conscience finally got the better of her. She felt he deserved the truth. It is about trust, it's about the trust that he lost in her. She knowingly deceived him and now he doesn't know how to trust her.
Everything a person does, including the sexual acts they take part in and the number of partners they have reflects on their character. It just does and to say it doesn't is a justification for lying about it.
