How can I tell my mom I want to move in with my dad?

I'm going to tell this as anonymously as possible. I'm 13 and my parents are seperated. They've seperated since I was born. They were never even married. My mom had me when she was 19 and my dad was like 5 years older than her. Supposedly, my dad never told his family about my birth until I was 2 but I don't really remember. That is the story my mom told me but, I've never actually confronted him about it. It doesn't really matter to me now because that was the past and I prefer to let go of what I can't change. What's impmortant now is that we are really close now and he loves me.

I used to dispise my dad. It's just because of these reasons that I am over now:

-He didn't pay child support for 13 years (I'm 13.)
-He supposedly, didn't tell our family about me until I was 2.
-He gave my big brother, himself, and his girlfriend everything and me what was left over.
-He barely spent time with me since he worked so much.
-He and my mom were in an argument over some reason that I still don't know.

Again, I am completely over it now because I can see that he still loves me unconditionally. It's a shame that it took me so long to figure it out. I had to get jumped and humiliated at my new school to figure that out. He literally fought for me. He was pissed when he found out that that had happened to me. I love him for that.

My big brother moved out to Florida to go to Full Sail University so it's just my dad and his girlfriend in a huge house. He's always wanted me to move in with him and I never wanted to but my opinion has totally changed. My perspective on life has changed within this past school year when my mom moved me out of my old school which I still hate her for. I see now that my dad is changing and he's trying to win me over, not just for the weekend, while I live out of a suitcase but, permanately. He still has a bunch of secrets that would make me upset, according to my brother. (They upset my brother too so he may be being bias.)

My mom is very bipolar. She has a secret boyfriend that she thinks I don't know about. She barely lets me live, invades my space, and is sometimes rude. When she's not mad she's still barely lets me live and invades my personal space. My dad barely ever has the house cleared from his work life but is very chill. He's a producer so he's always busy but when he's not he's super cool. I just have an issue with his dirty humor.

One thing that's making it harder is the fact that i'm going to have to move again and go to a completely different school 3 hours away. I don't want to leave my friends but, I do want to get away from the ghetto hood place thing and the ghetto kids.

I'm suffering at my mom's and I barely see my dad. They don't get along either. Moving in with my dad will also give me better life oppurtunity. I have made up my mind but i'm scared to tell my mom. How should I break the news to her? HELP!! no funny or phony stupid answers either. THANKS!! @_____@
Ty98
Asked Mar 22, 2012
Hey! im a 13 year old boy who was in the same situation as you, I lived with my mom. We lived in a tiny apartment and she was very poor and I went to a ghetto school, I had problems with my dad I decided that I hated him. Then I decided I wanted to live with him 8 months ago I moved in and on my first night I cried myself to sleep because I missed my old life. Me and my mom would fight everyday and we didn't have a good living situation. But yet I missed it when she would say she loved me and when we enjoyed the littlest things together and her smile and I even miss the teeny apartment. Now I live with my dad and Im pretty miserable. My best recommendation would be to stay with ur mom. I made the desicion because I wanted a better life. But I realized it was just an excuse to runaway from my problems. Don't make the mistakes I made. If u wanna talk email me: amazingwriter007@gmail.com
Now in my situation that would not be the case I know that living with my dad would be way better then living with my mum and step dad he has always been a complete dick head to me and never respects my opinions and he never lets me live!! BTW I'm an 11YR old girl going into high school next year
EMI6202 Nov 21, 2013
There were several things in your post that make me question whether this is a sound decision. Usually, in split families like this, one parent (usually the mom) is forced to be the disciplinarian and by default the parent with less parental responsibility (usually the dad) gets to be "super cool." By necessity, the rules are the strictest where the kid lives. The "weekend" parent, tries to be more relaxed to over-compensate for not seeing the kid daily. This is so common and typical that there are TONS of movies and tv shows based on this dynamic. Most likely, when you move to your dad's house it'll get stricter, and your mom's house will become the fun house.

This is a huge decision. I would totally recommend that you talk this over with a neutral adult like a guidance counselor... someone who can sit with you and talk over the specifics of your situation with you. There are so many things that a 13-year-old doesn't know about how parenting works; I think you could really benefit from the perspective of a trusted adult with more life experience. The majority of people your age think about what they want, but they need to check in with an adult who can think about what they need.

Make sure you know what you're doing before you change your relationship with your mother this way. Understand that this could have lifelong emotional repercussions. Make sure you aren't punishing her for being the parent can't be "super cool" because she HAS to bear more responsibility. You really need to think about the fact that your mother has sacrificed and been there for you while your dad was off doing his own thing. That means more than it sounds like you realize.

Before making this decision, you might also want to talk to your mom about the two of you going to family therapy to work out some of the issues you two are having. Give her that opportunity. It sounds like there's a lot of pain in your family, but it's fallen on your mother's shoulders to make things ok and care for you without any financial support at all from your dad (which is an extremely difficult and REALLY shitty spot for your mom to be in).

So, after talking this through with an adult, if you still want to do this, a good way of telling her might be with someone like a guidance counselor present so that you have someone there who can help keep the peace and mediate the conversation... 'cause if she's a normal person, she's going to feel really pissed and hurt.

... And about your mom's boyfriend... MANY responsible parents do their best keep their romantic lives away from their children for many very good reasons. She's not "hiding" from you. It's really not your business. It's grown folk's business. She'll tell you if the relationship gets serious enough that it becomes your business. Until then, don't snoop.

I truly wish you the best of luck with sorting all of this... but really from what you say here, this doesn't sound like a good move. I'm just getting tons of red flags from what you wrote. What it really sounds like is that you want to punish your mom for having you change schools and you want to be in a big, fun house. From what you say, it doesn't sound like you're making a mature, well-considered decision. Do talk to a family therapist or counselor.
skyDancer
Answered Mar 22, 2012
Edited Mar 22, 2012
Thank you. I totally understand and I think I will talk to a counselor or therapist. The only thing is that I'm thinking about my future and a ghetto high school vs a upscale high school because I really want to go to CUNY and going to a bad school wont help. Also another thing that is stopping me is the fact that I 3 younger siblings and I don't really want to leave them and they're so young. They cry when I just go to school.
Ty98 Mar 22, 2012
I actually wouldn't say I was trying to punish her because I do love her but I feel like it would be better for me at my Dad's.
Ty98 Mar 22, 2012
I gonna move anyway again after this year if I do stay. Either way, I'm moving.
Ty98 Mar 22, 2012
and I'm not mad about the bf. I'm mad that she lied about it to my face. (so soory 4 all the comments)
Ty98 Mar 22, 2012
I see. Is the school your mom is moving you to at the end of this year better anyway? Can you earn scholarships to go to private schools in your area? Could your family organize for you to have longer visits with your dad, like during spring break or summer vacation? When you talk to a therapist/counselor, also explore options for better educational opportunities and more time with your dad that don't involve leaving your mom's house. You may find that some of those options might work out better for you.

I don't know why she lied to you about the bf, but could it have been because she didn't want to talk to you about it? Sometimes parents "lie" to their kids because they aren't ready for the truth yet. Maybe that could be it?

No need to apologize for the comments. :-)
Hope it goes well, tell her truthfully, sit her down and be polite, don't show negativity even if you feel it against her.
Sugaman90
Answered Apr 08, 2012
Go ahead and move in with your Dad. How many chances do you get to be apart of his life? Let me tell you from experience that when my daughter moved in with me. I did ten times more things with her then my mother did with me. Things like going to all the school events and helping her pick out fits. Even if it seemed completely crazy or goofy I did it just to see her smile. Talked to her about boyfriends and her first kiss. (That was weird and awkward) Bottom line we had many good years together and would not give those moments up for anything.
The coolest part about the hole thing is she picked me to live with and I'll always be grateful for the time SHE GAVE US. (not a counselor, GAL or a Judge) My daughter did.
Allien
Answered Aug 26, 2012
This man comes back into your life after not supporting you for 13 years and you are ready to jump ship. Child support is not just about money. Child support is about acknowledging your child and supporting them. I f he had been supporting you your mother might not have ended up in the ghetto. He sounds like a selfish terrible parent. If he is an an upscale neighborhood why was he not able to support you? You need to think about all that your mother has done to raise you and take care of you while he did nothing. At 13 you are unable to see the big picture. This man is not good enough for you. Enjoy your visits and encourage your mom to get all back child support that you are due. Gauge his reaction. If he;s angry because he has to pay, you don't need him in your life. You and your mom need family therapy. Insurance will cover it. Do it before you make a huge mistake.
sighmaster
Answered May 16, 2013
WTF my dad didn't give child support for 8 years ( I'm 11 ) but he is still my dad it doesn't mean that he is better then my mother because she was the one who pushed him away. And every time I ask her why she just says that she will tell me when I'm older I'm 11 for Christ sake. So who are you to say that her dad/ my dad ain't good enough for us!
EMI6202 Nov 21, 2013
Yes,, you'd a full right to do what you want, and if really find it difficult then you may go to the court straight away.
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mabelirish
Answered Nov 21, 2013
Edited Nov 21, 2013

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