Caught Dad Cheating?

I was vacuuming in my dads home office today and his computer was on and open to a website called perb.ca (an escort review fourm). I quickly turned away and tried to block it from my memory, at first thinking it was just porn. Anyways hours later I began to wonder why my dad was on a escort site for porn and became concerned that my dad was cheating on my mom, so I started snooping around. After cruising around the website I came across some posts that appeared to be written by my dad, they contained lots of the same sayings my dad has, mirrored his work (as in they talked about cities my dad worked in and often travels to), yet the poster kept reiterating that he was single without kids and often wondered what it was like to have kids. I'm so confused as what to do. My parents just celebrated their 25 year anniversary, things at home were staring to look good, we were all happy, but I don't think I can carry on with this. I really wish I hadn't investigated this out, but I did. I'm just scared and don't know who to turn to or what to do, do I let my dad continue, do I message this poster, do I tell my mom? Please help.

Good for you for going to a counselor. That's presumably a neutral space where you can talk to a trained professional about navigating the emotional complexity of all of this... and you'd be talking directly with someone who can help you deal with the fallout, either way. There's no doubt that your father's apparent risky behavior not only can/will/has negatively affected your mother; it's hurt you too. I think you have a right to some clarity and piece of mind.

I can't imagine how tough this must be for you.

Like I said before, I'd be more than pissed if one of my kids knew this and didn't tell me. But... these aren't my parents and I don't have to experience the consequences, so it's easy for me have strong opinions about not rationalizing your father's behavior... condoms don't protect from all STDs... testing is great but he'll know AFTER he's infected and possibly infected your mom... respect your marriage vows or end the marriage... there's no "good" cheating or "clean" hooker... no one knows your dad's side of the story... maybe he's hurting or lonely and doesn't know what else to do... being a grown up means having some impulse control and resisting temptation... not telling your mother is protecting your father's behavior and not protecting her... yadda yadda yadda. I'm sure you've thought of all of this and more as you've been raking yourself over the coals these last few weeks.

I don't think it matters that this isn't your marriage; they are both people you love. And who cares if you're only 21; you were raised with the morals that these two people instilled in you. Having the desire to protect others from harm is admirable, in my opinion.

In my opinion, the secrecy will drive a wedge between you and your mother, and it seems that seeing the disconnect between your father's professed morals and his apparent behavior has already impacted your relationship with him. It seems like remaining in limbo will have the effect of hurting all three of you anyway. Regardless of how you handle telling or not telling and confronting or not confronting, ignoring the impact this has on you will cause you more harm. (Ignoring problems hasn't helped me yet!) If you close your eyes, unfortunately this won't go away.

I think the fact that you are aware enough to seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings and figure out how to handle this is a good indication that you have the wisdom to decide on a course of action that you can live with and that is the most beneficial and equitable for everyone involved.

There is more here we don't know than what we do. The first question is whether you're sure he was using that computer? Is there anyone else that has access to it? The second is whether he's into a sexual fantasy or actually doing something that could put your mom at risk of a STD.

That link is to a regional Canadian web site (British Columbia, Alberta Saskatchewan and Manitoba). If you live in Western Canada or if your dad travels there, it could be for real. If he is never in that area, it is most likely a fantasy.

If you're sure he is actually meeting with prostitutes, I would give your mom the address to that web site and tell her where you got it. She deserves to know what she's exposed to. If you want to stay out of it, set up a Yahoo email account and email that link to her anonymously with a message something like, "Your husband [his name's] favorite web site." If it appears to be a fantasy, I'd leave it alone until you see something that appears he's acting on it.

I'm not in favor of snooping in other people's personal stuff but now that you know this, you are in a dilemma if your mom is being put at risk.

My advice is to leave it alone. Maybe your father is living vicariously through the exploits of others, an example would be Penthouse forum which is an independent publication that is nothing but stories of sexual exploits, and has a very high purchase rate. You simply have no proof that it is indeed him and that he is using escorts other than some similar phrases and travel destinations. Maybe your mother knows about this activity, maybe she has her own exploits, digging any further may cause untold embarrassment, not to mention he deserves a certain amount of privacy.

When you snoop, you end up in poop.

Plenty of people just go on to PERB and sites like it to read reviews talk to other people and post things. Why does everybody always navigate to the worst possible option.

I doubt your dad is cheating, he's probably just getting his rocks off talking and commenting on things. If he is in fact cheating, well at least he's talking to and using professionals and not hooking up with some chick on Adult friend finder or Ashley Madison.. etc etc etc. 25 year married men get lonely too maybe he was just looking for someone to talk to. Being married 25 years is a long time... Worse comes to worse talk to him directly about it just the 2 of you. But don't get all "You're screwing around on Mom How could you?!"... Talk to him like a sane person and maybe you'll get the answers you want.. you might not like it....but then again maybe you will.

Spacedude, it's time to make dad pay for his indiscretions, but why mess up mom's life. Tell him to stop, and get yourself a nice new car, or something else you want out of it.

It must be so difficult for you right now. I am sorry you are having to go through the worry and concern you have.

There are a few things I can say that I hope will help you feel better.

Over 20% of men in North America have seen professional sex workers at one time or another in their life. This is not an uncommon thing.

The fact (if indeed it is really true that it's a fact) that your dad is seeing escorts means a few things that are actually good.

1- he still wants his marriage.
2- he is still healthy enough to want sex
3- he is trying to be discreet so as not to hurt your mother
4- he may be doing this because his wife, your mom, doesn't want to do some of the things he feels he really wants to experience.
5- he does NOT want a love relationship with someone else! He just wants something he can't get in his marriage, but still wants the marriage.
6- the fact he seeks a professional means he is not spending extra time and money wooing a girlfriend who could destroy his marriage.

You really should not know this much about your dad, but I think that realistically, if you cannot reconcile this within yourself and will harbour resentment towards him, you must sit your dad down, unemotionally, and tell him what you know. You need answers from him as to why this is happening, otherwise you will think the absolute worst. I am guessing it is not as bad as you think it is.

Do NOT tell your mother. This is something your dad may decide to do on his own, but it is his marriage and his business, not yours!! If you love having your parents together, you should STFU.

30-60% of people cheat in relationships. This is just a fact. Many cheaters love their partners but cannot deny the thrill of the chase or an activity they yearn for. The idea of fidelity is a romantic notion that I really like and ascribe to for myself, but it is unrealistic for many people.

I'm with Space Badger and HappyCamper on this one. Leave it alone and if you just *can't* Talk to your Dad rationally. I hate to say it, and I don't mean this personally but you're just a kid and there is a lot about adult relationships you probably don't understand. I know that Married Life is far different than I imagined, even at age 25.

Agreed, if he's going to cheat, high end escorts is probably the best possible scenario. Yes, there is always a risk of STDs but there is less of one than with "street walkers" or random women and the high price means he isn't likely to do it often.

Its better than an affair because he's far less likely to develop an emotional attachment.

I will say this... I am a married man of 10yrs. If / When the sex life dies temptation lies everywhere.