What do I do about friends that I think are just taking advantage?

I am really starting to feel like everyone excluding family is only friendly with me when they need something from me. Its really starting to eat me up.

For example I let a friend/roommate borrow my computer since his is broken and he needed to study. Little did I know, he would be gone for the next three days with it, leaving me alone and computerless at my place. Now that he has returned, he just seems to have an attitude with me now that he doesn't need the computer anymore. He will also be friendly when he needs help with homework or is looking for parties.

My other friend who lives out of town only talks to me when having difficulties with a relationship, when acting like a best friend ensues. When the relationship is fine, I get one word answers when I try to start a friendly conversation.

This list has no exceptions other than family. I have really gone out of my way to help people when they need it, and I just feel used and unliked. Its very hard to stay positive and motivated when these things happen all of the time, and its really starting to affect my academic performance and motivations towards socializing, getting out of bed, and looking for a career.

Am I just being negative? Or do I need to change something?
Anonymous User
Anonymous User
Asked Mar 09, 2011
I get you , you give them a inch they go for the mile . Just don't talk to them if their gonna use you and don't let them borrow your stuff anymore, just do that and you'll get on with your life .
Answered Mar 10, 2011
Maybe check to see if there are reasons why you don't say no, and if you find any, try to work your way out of them. When I have trouble articulating or respecting my limits or setting healthy boundaries, there's usually a reason... like I'm afraid of something. Check to see if there are reasons why you don't draw boundaries and take care of yourself... Good luck. I hope everything works out.
Answered Mar 10, 2011
Edited Mar 10, 2011
Look around in the world and you will see that some people are looking for places they can contribute and others are looking for what they can get. The effect of it is the reverse of what you'd expect. The contributors always make out well and the "getters" always struggle. The reason is, the world doesn't hand out rewards based on what you want, they are distributed by what you contribute. That's the way it is with your job, your family and your social life.

What is creating the frustration you describe is what YOU want. You are expecting to be rewarded with popularity by taking care of your friends problems and when you realize the payoff isn't there, you're disappointed. It's easy to become so wrapped up in trying to be popular that you trade your self respect for it.

The answer is, make your contributions to the world without expectations. If you have expectations attached, like your friends will appreciate what you do, then don't do it. Make your maximum effort to excel in most any area without expectations and fame and fortune will chase you down the street and jump in your pocket. Expect something in return for everything you do and you will be disappointed most of the time.

You're not being negative, you're just living in the "all-about-me" generation.

Answered Mar 10, 2011
Lol Rob, you could say that about any generation, that how humans are built. There is no such thing as a selfless act. Older generations have just recently failed as being an example for younger ones by looking down on them in the exact manner that you do. This creates a separation between generations resulting in younger generations to be more blind in their search for truth.

Please refrain trying to give advise, because you are only doing more harm.
Johnb12 Mar 14, 2011
Who's "looking down" on anybody? I'm not criticizing any generation, I'm saying the people that get the most are the ones that contribute the most, not the ones who want the most. Are you surprised that unreasonable expectations produce disappointment?

If you don't like my answers, put yours up.
Rob Mar 14, 2011
The problem is not with amount of contribution, or expecting any return of value. Many people get much out of others while giving minimum. Likewise there are many more people who contribute the maximum and see little or no return.

Your advise suggests than we contribute more to get more, which collapses your own argument. By this rational, if we want more, we should contribute more to get more. Simultaneously with your argument, us wanting more will lead us to getting the less. How then does one who wants go about getting in this reality? Is noone to ever want, only to contribute? If noone ever wants, what is the point to life?

Johnb12 Mar 14, 2011
Granted, letting desires get out of control will only result in suffering in the end, because there is always a limit to how much we can realistically get. In that sense, your idea that wanting more will not necessarily result in a much "more" as we want, is correct. However, in practice, telling a person this and them realizing it is only harmful, because it is saying "you are doing everything wrong." Even though this may be true, it is a very difficult road to fix this problem.

Unless you are prepared to be a long term spiritual advisor, helpful advise would include things like:
-suggestions on how to communicate with friends and meet new friends
-ways to stay positive about life
-putting more focus on other important things like family, religion, and personal growth
Johnb12 Mar 14, 2011
I have to disagree with you on the "no such thing as a selfless act". People do things like donate or volunteer to help others out. Some of us don't do it to get some sort of self gratification. However, there are those that do.

Oh and if you plan to start an argument with someone please use the correct words. When you say advise, that means to council. You should have used advice instead.
They seem to be ignoring you or something is bothering them. Maybe you should ask them what is wrong .If you tryed that and they didnt answer then just dont help them just see how they like it.
Answered Mar 13, 2011

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