Is there anything wrong with me/Am I crazy?

For the longest time, I have always felt different, I never felt I fit in.
I can't remember the last time I was happy, maybe.. grade 4?

Starting in grade 7, I thought maybe I had depression.
I became pretty apathetic over the years. I still care and have feelings, but not as often.
I even emotionally torture myself to feel feelings.{ex: blame myself for many things, take in all the names I've been called,things I've done and messed up on, Hate myself for hurting others}

This might sounds weird, but sometimes I just pick up what others are feeling. and I use this to think of why I don't understand my emotions. They're so messed up with others.

I took a quiz to see if I was depressed, my result said I was. I showed my mom but she doesn't believe it. She thinks I'm fine.

I've attempted cutting myself just to try it. Though since I have not the highest pain tolerance, I only made marks and didn't bleed.

Which reminds me, is it normal to like playing with blood? I like biting the inside of my mouth/my lips until I bleed and play around with it.

I'm also paranoid that I'm being watched/there might be cameras or something. sometimes I'm even paranoid that there might be some freakish monster/ghost that will come crawling after me out of nowhere.

I don't know. I'm not really scared of anything. only things that don't exist. I am scared that I might hallucinate someday though. I never have, but if I did, that I would halucinate up some creepy monsters.

everyone sees me on the outside as a completely normal shy girl. on the inside, I don't know who I am. sometimes I feel normal myself, but also feel like I could have another me. The "evil" me.

I'm not sure. But I'd like to know if there's something wrong with me rather than being confused and wondering.

Some of the answers could depend on your age. When going through puberty people feel and think a lot of wierd things that later go away. If you are beyond that age, it might be more of a concern.

The way I look at it, we have two sides to our minds, the emotional side and the logical side. When you are a child, you run completely on emotion. Anything is possible in a child's mind. As you mature, your logical mind comes alive and grows. A person we call mature is really someone who's logical mind is capable of controlling their emotions.

Looking inward at yourself and doubting all of the things you describe is a completely emotional thing. Once you develop some logical control you understand that we create our own monsters.

My advice would be to become a student of the world around you. Pay attention to the differences in the people who succeed and those who fail; to which ones are happy and which ones are sad; which ones fit in and which ones don't. I think you will see that those with logical control over their emotions make out much better than those that don't. Once you realize that the real world exists outside your mind, you can set some goals for yourself and use your newfound self control to go out into the world and do anything you want.

I personally don't use the word normal to describe anything especially myself. Just be yourself and forget about trying to fit in. I've spent the last 18 years of my life being different and I honestly couldn't be happier that I haven't conformed to what many people consider "normal". Its like what Rob said that kid that is different in high school or middle school is normally the more successful one because they have their own ideas and don't conform to what society wants them to be.

I don't know if this will help at all but when I was your age (I'm 27 now) I had remarkably similar feelings about myself. In fact some of the thing you said are dead on to what is written in my diary from that age. I had a really tough time adjusting and I went through a lot of self discovery. I was about 21 when all the pieces came together. I can't say there was any major turning point in my life but that it took time and I had to make A LOT of mistakes. Actually reading this made me feel normal. Please let me know if you want someone unburden yourself to. I promise I won't try to lecture you, I know it would have helped me when I was going through it. I think talking to someone can be very therapeutic.

i am someone like you aubout the emotion thing you just think your depressed but look it on the bright side no one can bw toying with emotion and like that maybe you should look for add I have it and that isseu is comming very formilure I also com from the neatherland what do you think of mu english