My mom wants me to live near her my entire life. What can I do?

I am 20 years old and in college. I have a year left and my mother wants me to live with her after college and never wants me to live far away. I have a boyfriend and he wants to move to Tennessee which is about thirteen hours from home. My mother was enraged even for the idea of moving an hour and a half away. She still holds this over my head along with the idea that she cosigned for my loans.

My mother is also a insomniac, bi-polar, compulsive hoarder with anger issues that wants to be waited on hand and foot. If she doesn't get her way she will go hours out of her way to bitch me and my three younger brothers out. She actually threatened to take my brothers and I out of activities because we weren't home enough for her and she thought we were doing it to avoid her. WELL's true but who wants to go home to a house that is completely crowed with random stuff everywhere. I mean there is hardly any room to walk and to make matters worse she has three small yip yap dogs and a three cats. (I'm taking my cat when I get out of there) I have no idea how she expects me to have room to live there and she feels the need to be waited on hand and foot. She also wants my brothers and I to clean the impossible and gets extremely angry when we don't have it done. I will be a graphic designer (hopefully) by then and it's cluttered, messy and we still have dial-up. We can't even get high-speed internet there.

I've got into huge arguments over this fact and everything else I've mentioned. I even suggested living in an apartment in the area. This pissed her off greatly and she basically screamed at me for a month. She has threatened to completely disown me if I don't do as she says and drop my loans. She continues to hold this loan thing over my head.

I really would like to move with my boyfriend. I feel that financially this is the best choice but it is also a big taboo in my hometown. This is a big move and I'm completely scared... any suggestions to make this easier? I really don't want to live in a small town with people that gossip and with a mother that is trying to control my life. I don't want to be known as the girl that ran away with her boyfriend.

I'm also atheist and my mom is one of those praise the lord Christians even though we never went to church... I'm a good person and I know right from wrong and I have good morals. I just don't like organized Christianity and the money aspect to it. My mother doesn't know this at all by the way...

I'm never angry (except with my mother) and I feel severely desensitized to everything. I really have no emotions they've been dulled down greatly. I also think I may even have mild Post traumatic stress from my life. I'm always afraid she'll show up. She has shown up without notice a lot. One time I was with my boyfriend... I'm twenty... She has no control over me but she seems to find a way. I've tried talking but that just ends up in a screaming battle and I just end up ignoring her because I really don't want the unnecessary violence. She feels as though she doesn't have to listen to me because I will "never grow up and always be her baby". The same goes for my brothers but I can already see that it is to a lesser extent. According to her I even taught them how to talk back to her and "brainwashed" them into going to college. Yes. She didn't want me to go to college. I was brainwashed by the school and my grandmother. She wanted me to take vo-tech in high school. Oh... my dad just lets her do it. He doesn't do anything because I think he fears her.

This is only the beginning. I could say much more and it feels good to vent. I do love my mom but she is a difficult person to live with...

Any suggestions on gathering up the courage to move out of hell?
Asked Mar 26, 2010
Edited Mar 27, 2010

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good luck I gotz no idea
Answered Mar 31, 2010
If you're not going to post something helpful, then don't post at all. "I don't know." or in this case, "I gotz no idea" is just spam. There's no reason for it because you're not bering asked directly.
I can see that you have found yourself in a bit of a situation to say the least. When you have talked with your mom about moving out, has she given any indication of why she doesn't want you to or has it just been a matter of telling you that you can't? If you knew why she didn't want you to leave perhaps it would help as you could concentrate on finding a way to address her concerns.

You refer to your loans that she has co-signed. Are these substantial? Have you talked to your bank or loan company about any repercussion from you mom wanting to withdraw from the loan? Perhaps if the loans were taken out some time ago they may now see you as being able to take these loans on in your own name. It is also a possibility that it wouldn't matter - that they wouldn't let your mom withdraw until funds were paid in full so she would be locked in like it or not.

I think you need to understand the reasons for your moms worries if you can and also try to understand what complications she could cause if she wanted to. Additionally you must think about the worst case scenario that she may disown you - could you cope with this? Is moving out worth the possible repercussion?

I don't think that there is a be all and end all answer to this question. If only the world were black and white with no shades of grey!
Answered Mar 31, 2010
My mother is the same and I can tell you it gets alot worse if you go along with what she wants. Stand your ground and be strong every one is entitled to their own life. It can be hard getting it but don't give in.
Answered Apr 12, 2010
Your life is yours to live. While it may seem easy enough to say this, it is hard to recognize. You are your own person and your mother is your own person. If you want to move out and live your life to the fullest, your mother should understand once enough time passes.

However, moving out and such is never an easy feat... more so if you move to somewhere where you don't know anyone. Try to see if you can reach a middle ground. If not, then you have to carefully think things through whether or not you want to take the deep dive and move out.

At the very least, stay strong and try to overcome your fear. Just because the world can be a scary place, it isn't unkind to those who seek help. Other than that, I wish you the very best.
Answered Apr 14, 2010
you might was to resprect your mom but you are a grown woman you have you own rules but that doesn't mean you souldn't obey your mom still
Answered Jul 14, 2010
Move- far away. This problem will never go away on it's own. I would not depend on your boyfriend too much. Sounds like you never had much independence due to your mom. I would suggest taking baby steps.
Answered Aug 07, 2010
Oh I wish you the best. You are young and ambitious! At 39, I look back on my life and wish sooo much I had made the move you are debating. I have totally conformed to being my mother's whatever. I purposely do not get in relationships, haven't had children, live within an arms reach,tolerate he constant calling, needing help, doing her work, and recently lost my job so she now also has a financial hold on me. I did graduate from college. I have a useless BA in Speech and Hearing Science that doesn't help me find work.
I would fully explain to your brothers that you love them and are not leaving them. You never know what kind of BS your mom will feed them. And if she disowns you, you may not see them again until they are 18. You need to develop a solid financial plan. If the road gets rough your parents may not bail you out. I would speak with the financial aid dept at your school to see what you would qualify for without your parents backing. You should be able to qualify for federal garanteed student loans. Sounds like your mom is just dragging you down. It sounds like if you all are living in thilth it may be a good idea to give an anonymous call to Children's Services and to an Animal Welfare group. Maybe if the courts step in they can provide therapy to improve your mom's mental health. In the mean time SET YOURSELF FREE- you will regret for the rest of your life if you don't! :D
Answered Oct 04, 2010
I agree! I am 30 but still afraid of my mother, I am single 'til now:( But I am planning to move I already found an apartment to live and already paid.

I am excited to be free and plan for my future without following my mother's advice "MOTHER'S KNOWS BEST" but not all the time.
take ur brothers and run away with ur bf well fair will take one look at the house and say yep u can have them (oh and get a job ok)
Answered May 10, 2011
I am trying to find the answer to this as well. I have a sister and a house mate who are the same way. What is up with these people? they need psychological help, but I can't find any help online yet. I believe it is a border issue, since she is not respecting your personal and material borders. She has the tendency to take over the house and expect to be in control. Control usually comes from being shamed in your childhood, and then you get fearful and then want to control everything so you won't be shamed again. The puzzling thing about all this is that these people are often nice otherwise. They struggle and try and cry (whine) that they need things, or help or space or whatever. Please read the book Boundaries by Townshend and Cloud. That may help you set your own boundaries. I have not figured out what will help your mom.
Answered May 28, 2011

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