I have found that I have schizoid, paranoid, avoidant, and dependent disorder symptoms. I am afraid of rejection, paranoid of loss, I am easily angered, easily depressed, easily hurt, I am a hermit, I hate going out, I would rather stay home, I feel extreme discomfort away from the home. I am constantly afraid that my girlfriend will leave me or that she will die. I feel cold, aloof, careless toward other people that I do not know. Yet I feel a strong need to protect animals. My girlfriend is fortunately able to handle all of these problems as she has a few of these as well, though hers are hardly as acute as mine and that helps the situation some. I had been seeing a psychiatrist and had been on some meds until my insurance ran out as I am 21 and no longer in college. I was not diagnosed with many of these problems as I did not notice them until recently. I am so scared to come out and tell anyone else about these issues. I was sent to an observational clinic for 3 days before and I cannot go back to such a place. I am afraid to be locked away, to be seperated from people I care about for any real length of time. I dont want to hurt anyone, I just want peace. But I dont trust these systems that 'try to help you' as they often 'suggest' going to such places. They keep you under lock down, it's like prison, and it makes it worse. I feel like I cant do anything about it without risking being locked away. The medication I was on did little for me, it made me unaware of my surroundings and it resulted in me wrecking my only vehicle. It's like I can't do anything about this, I don't know what to do. I am also over 4000 dollars in debt to sallie mae and I have a 160 dollar bill to the hospital I am unemplyed and living with parents. I am currently attending a vocational rehab center for my 'official' diagnosis which was an anger disorder and depression. I just feel like there is no hope.
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